depressing blog... 
excessive onlineness...
self-hate...
listening to depressing music on repeat...
suicidal tendencies...
substance abuse...
SI...
confused about my sexuality (according to some people)...
All I need now is an eating disorder. 
Oh and about 15 years less.
In other news... John is my new best friend, and he's not gay (!). John is a hairdresser you see (and he's not gay! lmao), he's the one who gave me the above cut (the colour is my own doing lol). The reason I went to John was pure... coincidence, he was on my way, and I wanted a haircut NOW, and he had time for me. But he's great and I'll never go anywhere else from now. 
He's had a salon on North Road since 1968 (woah), and he's the first hairdresser in YEARS that I talked to throughout the whole procedure, he has fascinating stories to tell. About Brighton, about back when he was in London, about fellow hairdressers... Vidal Sassoon was an apprentice at Adolph Cohen's, and Adolph Cohen used to wait outside Dave Miller's (where John was an apprentice) and go "you wanna work at mine? I'll pay you more!" *lol* And Brighton used to be a dump according to John, but he says it's only got better these past 5 years, and I first moved here 8 years ago and liked it back then too.
Anyway. I like what he did to my hair too. John also said about my intention to go black "black is an unforgiving colour. Once you're past 25 you won't be able to do that anymore". Me: "I'm 28!" Him: "Oooh. You don't look it!" 
Quoth my mum: "course you don't, with that crazy hair colour!"
Yeah. Let's talk about my mum. I had a 3hr conversation with her earlier (last night/yesterday). She has officially declared me insane. She has also admitted to being depressed (!) and possibly feeling too comfortable with it to do sth about it. Also to having an eating disorder (!!!). Which is funny cuz I wouldn't say she has one. Well let's say she has a complicated relationship with food.
She also has a complicated relationship with me. And me with her. Let me just copy what I wrote on my mobile on my way to Asda last night/earlier...
So tonight for the first time I explained the whole extent of my scary / fucked up feelings to my mum. Stupidly enough I was expecting some sort of "oh yes I can relate" reaction, but she just told me I was insane and that my way of thinking was weird and at the end she asked me to leave her alone with my issues cuz she had enough to deal with on her own.
I don't blame her. I'm just sort of shocked that she seems so different to me. I was expecting that's where I got it from. But apparently not. I'm just crazy full stop or sth. Meh. I really thought she'd get it. Instead she was just like "WHY?? What turned you into... this???"
Yeah the end. Also, unrelatedly, I've offered my horse to Diane so we've decided she and her daughter will "test" him for a month and if they get along she'll take him. I'm not sure yet how I feel about it, right now I feel nothing and that's good. I need the money, he'll be in good hands, I need to get over it/him and whatever. Oh and I've signed up with some agencies and need to do some more work on that (i.e. rewrite my CV and email it to some people) but that will be for later today. Mhm.
[edit a little later] Being awake and waiting for the rest of Europe to wake up / start living is so weird. Oh and also, I will soooo need to repaint the bathroom before I move out of this flat. And buy a new fridge.
I'm back... Will read your blog for update 
Welcome back 
Cool new haircut. I like black better anyway.
And probably you just hit your mom on the wrong foot that day. Probably she'll apologize soon. There's no justification for getting down on others just because you feel bad yourself. If she doesn't want to make a change about her situation she should also keep it to herself and deal with it without hurting others.
Posted by: stagiaire on Thu August 3, 2006 at 13:18
everyone seems so very shocked by what my mum said, I'm really not mad at her for reacting that way. It's what she does. I thought she'd understand cuz I thought she felt the same way but now that I know she doesn't, I'm not... yeah. I understand her.
And no way is she gonna apologize lol.
And thanks @ hair
wow. you look good!! too bad you're dead now.
At least she died pretty.
tuba mirum spargens sonum...
Posted by: Clarissa on Fri August 4, 2006 at 19:16Don't dramatize it, it's bad enough. 
I agree 