I do not like myself much right now. I guess that's not surprising.
What was I thinking? What did I expect to happen? This thought has been at the back of my mind pretty much since I landed in Washington on the night of the 13th and started 10 days of perfection.
I knew this of course. The 10 days of perfection would end and everything would just be much much worse because the dreariness of everyday life, and my inability to do anything useful, anything at all in fact, would be painfully contrasted with temporary amazingness and perfection, and would seem all the more depressing for it.
Of course I still went on the trip, because I am irresponsible and unable to think further than a few days ahead. Give me instant gratification, yeah!
My instinct now is to run off again, maybe in the opposite direction this time, or maybe nowhere specific at all, just somewhere other than here and now. Just run and run and keep running, because if the reality of life constantly changes then there is nothing concrete to be afraid of you know? As soon as you become afraid you just up and leave again and change your reality, and this gives you another short reprieve, and once reality catches up again you start over.
Running away is never a solution because eventually you have to come back to what you have been running from, and it will not have changed. But what if you just keep running forever? Would that work? I can't believe I have been considering this, it's everything I have been telling people not to do - you can't run away from your pain and all that, and yet now it seems like a viable long term option. Run run run.
Or just stop running altogether and give up. In which case I might as well return to Luxembourg cuz what's the fucking point. I have been listening to Cyndi Lauper's Come on Home an awful lot recently.
But I can't actually return right now. I have things planned. My life is exciting! I have countless opportunities, I have things to do and places to go, and they will take me til the end of the year! It goes like this:
- Pride with Mel 5th Aug
- Placebo in Colmar 16th Aug
- Paris with mum 2nd to 4th Sept
- Robbie Williams with J in Milton Keynes 14th Sept
- Placebo with squi in Paris 2nd Oct
- P!nk with squi in London 4th Oct
- Imogen Heap in Brighton 11th Oct
- Placebo with squi in London 9th Dec
I wrote a 'paper entry' on my way back from Washington which kept coming back to "poor little rich girl". I do despise myself for the way I am, but apparently not enough to do something about it... (yet?). Or maybe that's part of the game. Fulfilling my own expectations of myself.
Yada yada. I don't really have anything to say that won't make me sound like a complete jerk. And I don't really want any comments or advice on this either. I know what they would be. But I'll post it anyway because heck, this is my blog and it's meant to reflect how I feel, even if that is often stupid.
I'm sorry if this entry makes anyone feel bad. If you care then I love you.