It's not spring. I'm not clean. But I have decided I need to sort out some things.
What? You've heard this before? You are correct. I have said this countless times previously. (I was gonna write "countless times previous" at first. why? not sure. cuz it sounds somewhat cooler? but bad grammar is just not forgivable. then again neither is bad spelling, and what is "cuz" if not that?)
I've been a good girl this week so far tho. "So far" I stress. Today the extreme boredom and pointlessness caught up with me and I succumbed. But it's ok.
Counsellor people have not got back to me. Why am I not surprised? The second one who ignores me. Is someone trying to tell me something? But I shall call them again tomorrow and bug them. Even tho it's scary. Drew has also not got in touch. So far. He too shall be bugged tomorrow.
Tomorrow is when it's gonna happen. 
My whole life is gonna take a turn for the better! You just watch! *snigger* But yeah seriously, it kinda sucks, I have not done any jobhunting for ages, I'm pretty much relying on Alison to do it for me, and am forever deferring taking action myself. And, inevitably, I evolve from "oh wow I really wanna do this" to "there is no way I could do this" by the time I get to the interview etc.
The interview I have tomorrow - they sounded so amazing, I was determined to charm them and whatnot. Convince them I was the person for the job, they would love me etc... by the time I get there I'm "whatever". European sales executive / manager? ME?!?! Ha! I can barely do my fucking laundry! How are you expecting me to sell the rights to your books to anyone? (and their books are kinda... freaky. the kind of coffeetable books for people who wanna be "original". just ridiculous. jaja I know, I'm pathetic in my attempt at prematurely sabotaging my chances.)
Today I had a moment of extreme frustration, I wanted to do something, create something, whatever. There were countless possibilities, I could
- draw
- paint
- sculpt
- write
- photograph
- do some graphic design
- do some web design
- record and/or edit a video
- build something
- collage something
- combine any of the above
None of these would have good or interesting results, but that was not necessarily the point... if only I could concentrate on one and do something. If only I had some inspiration. I had none. I went through all these options I had, trying to find some way to express what I felt, or even just express anything, but none of them did anything for me. I just could not be bothered. 
So eventually I decided to just stupidly paint stripes on a piece of wood I have in my closet (and which I use as part of my DYI drying rack)... just to have something to do with my hands. I got bored after 5mins... forced myself to go on for another 10, then gave up. And while putting the lid back on the paint tub, splashed yellow paint all over one of my favourite pairs of trousers. Heh. Now I'mma have to paint them yellow all over.
But I digress. How did I even get there? Stream of consciousness at its best, but less pretentious than James fucking Joyce. I'm the real thing baby! *lol*
So Lo and d have left, they are currently in Stockholm. I trust they are having fun. I am happy for them. But I miss them (esp. Lo of course). 
How disgustingly self-centred of me.
J has recently magically reappeared online & been chatting to me, so in my self-centredness I have been all over her, and she has been very sweet and assured me that my whingeing was fine, and she has also been really helpful and cute. 
Tho she's always up way too late 
(fine with me, my sleeping pattern is fucked up anyway, but she must be dead in the mornings).
I have also kinda developed a Mel-obsession because she's marvellous and so refreshingly normal, and I had forgotten that one can have such a great time with non-fucked-up people, and I used to always be kinda baffled as to why she was so... nice to me and seemed keen to have me over and spend time with me; but I have somehow (omg!) come to accept that hey maybe she just genuinely likes me. And we have great times together. And she's great. And I should stop being so complicated.
But it seems so fucking impossible to overcome stupid behavioural patterns - however much I talk about them, analyse them, dissect them, explain them to the people involved, I cannot avoid them. I did it again just an hour ago. Even while I was doing it I was aware of it, and how I should force myself to overcome it and say something... I didn't. I couldn't! Meh. I hope (and trust 
) the person involved will see through it and... not feel bad about the way I reacted. Or rather, didn't react. [edit later.... it seems they didn't mind]
But I was saying spring clean wasn't I. It's scary, but I must stick with it some way or another. Nobody involved is gonna enjoy this, and maybe that's the main reason I am now forcing myself to put it down here (instead of preparing for tomorrow's interview, or thinking up some lies for Jeff - or, worse still, doing some actual work for him so I don't have to lie). I'm writing it down to remind myself. To encourage others to remind me. Or bug me about it. Yeeeaaaah. 
I will bug you. Until it comes to certain things. But I'm with you in strategy-formation and you know you can use me anytime. 
I know what you mean about the lack of inspiration. I just want to fucking do something. It reminds me of that Lewis Carroll quote in your archives about how all paths will take you there when you don't know where you're going; I try to remind myself of that and just focus on moving consistently in any direction. But it's pretty much impossible to do that when you're second-guessing yourself every two seconds, isn't it? 
Anyway, nice entry. (You were right--it didn't scare me.)
Posted by: charlie on Fri July 7, 2006 at 0:20Thank you
(scarystrategies )
PS
It's a good start if you recognize your behavior you feel uncomfortable about while you're repeating your pattern. You don't have to make a perfect change right away. But if you watch your behavior you can start little by little to make a change if you feel you have to. It's difficult, but it's not impossible.
But very slow, oh so slow.
I reckon it's more a matter of "looking at myself from the outside shaking my head while being unable to change my actual behaviour" or sth 
>>Nobody involved is gonna enjoy this
Why not?
Posted by: The BML on Fri July 7, 2006 at 12:43because it's unpleasant business.