*running around in circles* 
I love my mummy. I bet you anything I won't get as many hits for that as for I hate my mum, ahem. This is kinda cruel cuz I love that mum too, she's cool. Most of the time.
Anyway I was talking about my mummy. She rocks. I wanna squish her. But I will not bore you with my Prue-fixation. She complained about my over-use of the 
smiley tho and made me laugh. She doesn't understand it most the time. I said it's very me and means sth different every time I use it. Here are two attemps at explaining it:
Wam: "I can understand how you're feeling but what you said just now is right to the point"
Wam: in THIS context it means "hm it's an awkward situation and I sympathize, I hope it will turn out ok"
Isn't it amazingly versatile? 
*ahem* I know, there should not be such ambiguity. Alex work-boss was offended the other day when I used 
on her (we have Notesbuddy & you can import smileys there, so of course I have the most common Yahoo ones) and I had to explain my meaning of the smiley. I believe I had a similar issue with squiZZ ages ago.
Oh yeah work. I didn't get my part time, so I'm gonna quit - haven't decided when yet... like I'd really like to leave shortly after Xmas so I can go to Mainz earlier, but Alison is obviously keen on keeping me for as long as poss... ugh I have to stop being so damn accomodating. I let people bully me into things for fear of... disappointing (and in this case also getting bad references). I think the whole thing is gonna be alright tho, she sounded ok. Obviously they are two-faced twats, but then who isn't.
After that.. my mum has suggested asking if I can do the course full time after all so it would take one term instead of two, and what she says does make sense, so will call & ask tomorrow. If that doesn't work I'll try & find somewhere else. Will actually ask @ Amex itself. 
Alison says I could come back after the course is over (provided they have a vacancy obviously, but most of the time they do ).
How do I feel about the whole thing... not too fussed tbh. Ok I am a bit scared because basically I am now unemployed, will have to go thru the whole jobsearch thing again... it's daunting and annoying and not so great for the ego. But I have learnt some lessons that I will put into practice this time round.. besides, I am not that bothered about the financial aspect right now (the way I was just before I got this job). I am actually a bit more scared about losing the structure the job is giving me / forcing on me. I have not been feeling too great recently and I'm afraid I will sink even lower if given the opportunity. For I am weak.
Speaking of which. Yeah so my blog was down again (actually, it hadn't been in a while eh)... I got the obligatory "what's up" emails, which is cute, and of course by that time I was feeling better, so I said don't worry it will be back etc. Which as you can see it is. And today I felt stupid for overreacting last night, and swore I wouldn't make the same mistake again, and I really meant not to. But I found myself in the very same situation again tonight. I hate myself when I become like that. But I find it so hard not to. Like, tonight, with all the distance and self-criticism I can muster up, all I manage to do is apologize for being a bitch 2mins after being a bitch. That's quite a feat. A while back I could only apologize the next day. But it's till shit. Having to apologize in the first place.
[... much much later ] lalala ok this was gonna be much longer, but I've spent ages crying to squiZZ now and it's late and I must sleep soon so I'll leave it for now. Tbc, maybe. Yeah I'm a whingeing cunt if you're reading Evelyn.
PS Willy Wonka came out today! 
all I manage to do is apologize for being a bitch 2mins after being a bitch. That's quite a feat. A while back I could only apologize the next day. But it's till shit. Having to apologize in the first place.
A MENTION IN YE MIGHTY DIARY!!!!!!
I don't know if I've EVER been mentioned in here before. It's nice 
@ my baybee. How am I supposed to interpret a smiley that changes every time you use it?! Mummy doesn't have enough brains for that!
You have been mentioned before, yes. But you never read 
And mummies should KNOW what their babies mean. Instinct & all that.
Posted by: Clarissa on Wed November 23, 2005 at 2:56>>I let people bully me into things for fear of... disappointing
Yeah, kinda what I was saying on the phone to you the other night.
Why did Alex freak out with ? What did he think it meant?
She thought it was offensive - like I was poking my tongue out at her. Like, what this smiley does 