[entry below]
So I am here. I have been asked what it's like, being here again. Mainly by Lux people of course. I'm not sure what they expect me to answer... what do you say? "yeah it's great, I have finally recognized what a nice place it is, I'm moving back next month"? Or "oh yes I think it's changed since I last came here, people are more such-and-such"?
My feelings about being here depend of course on my expectations about being here. My expectations weren't too high (I wasn't that keen on coming back, but I thought it was about time, and of course I do have friends here that I like meeting again). I've met up with the friends, I've done the necessary shopping, I've checked on my horsey, I've been to dinner with my mum... sorted for another 6 months.
A couple of months back I considered moving back here because this place offers me the social structure that would help me get away from my vicious circle of depressive thoughts and my unhealthy fixation on dysfunctional online relationships. But then I realized, even moving back here doesn't guarantee I will make use of that social structure. I met up with 4 friends on this trip. These are the people I really wanna see... the rest are... optional. Would be nice to see them, nothing more (I'm sure I could find 20 people it would be "nice" to see, but none nice enough to warrant going thru the hassle of arranging a meeting).
But apart from those sort of rational toughts, the actual feeling of coming back was weird, yes. I'd been stupid enough to stay up all night (not entirely unrelated to squiZZreturn I guess) and when I landed I was just so exhausted, and overemotional or sth. So I started crying. 
I cried on the plane, I cried on the bus, I cried waiting for my suitcase, and I cried waiting for my mum.
I cried cuz I thought "what the fuck am I doing here?", I cried thinking about the convo I'd had with squi the night before, I cried seeing a bag the same colour as my dad used to have. I considered getting into my mum's car crying (she knows I've not been too great) but then felt bad about burdening her with my fuckedupness so decided to compose myself lol.
Yeah so. One of the goals of coming here was to decide what to do about the job... my conclusion now is I still don't know for sure but I am less worried about quitting. I will wait until I am back in Bton, doing the job, and see. At the end of the day... ok so they may decide to give me shit references because they are cunts.... whatever. I think my main fear is that it will all be for nothing. Like, so I decide this job sucks, but then the next job is not gonna turn me into this happy, self-satisfied person is it? Well it may do but what are the odds? The job is probably not the answer.
I'm bored of this now.
J'adore.
Posted by: squiZZ on Sun November 20, 2005 at 1:33
I never asked you that question (about your feelings to be back in Lux) 