but then it was after all
apparently
This was going to be the title of my entry but then other things took over and I "moved on" so to speak, but now I am still not ready for bed so I might as well move backwards and say it anyway:
I FUCKING HATE MY FATHER
I really really really do. I wrote some weeks back that I was disappointed he hadn't died yet, and I got "
" reactions all over. I talked about it later with Michelle and she explained why people find it hard to relate to this, even those like her who know the history. But the disappointment I felt then is nothing compared to the pure hatred I feel now.
Let me explain: he had a heart attack or something a while back. It sounded all serious and stuff. I was hoping it would finally be over. I remember hearing the news while I was in Paris and thinking it was a sign, that this was the perfect place to hear such perfect news. But of course it wasn't to be. He made it, the fucker, how could it be otherwise.
But the worst is this, which I was told only now: apparently the reason he's gonna make it is because he was oh so lucky, they have this new stem cell procedure, no idea what it is exactly, but he was one of the first to receive it in Europe and whatnot, so lucky lucky him.
He lives. He will have to do rehab and whatnot, but he will be ok, he will pull through, what great news, and what's more he will get the disabled pension (or whatever) he's been after for so long.
He lives. And I hate him for it.
A few months after my dad died I read a long article about lung emphysema (what he died of), research, progress they'd made... how hopefully there'd be help at hand soon.. I know you always read that sorta stuff when you have someone who suffers from an illness, how you always put your hopes up. And people die anyway.
But this guy... making it once again, out of pure luck... HIM of all people being one of the first to benefit from a new procedure - it makes me wanna cry and shout and smash things and it fills me with hatred. True, pure, hatred. I wanna scream against the injustice of it all.
And I realize that I have just written a long entry - again - about HOW MUCH I hate, but not actually explained WHY I hate, and I know (some) people want to know why... I've been meaning to explain for a long long time but it's very hard.
But you know, even if I can't explain or if I can't get people to understand, I will not apologize for feeling it & for saying it. I hate my father. I can't deal with the fact that he's alive. He doesn't deserve it.
I explained (very well apparently) on Yahoo so no need to mention anything here .. . other than to be the first comment 
love you 
Yeah, but he's probably a right miserable bastard.
Posted by: The BML on Thu November 17, 2005 at 11:57Not miserable enough.
Posted by: Clarissa on Thu November 17, 2005 at 17:21It's not at all hard to relate to your hatred?! Surly people don't "" at you because they can't understand that you hate someone (whatever the reasons may be)? At least if I ""ed at an entry like that (can't remember if I've actually done or not) it would because I felt sorry for you. 
For anyone who cares about YOU it's hard to see that you care SO much about this man, that's it's SO important to you what happens to him, that you waste SO much time on him. (According to you) he's not worth it.
I don't actually waste that much time on him (I spend about 100 times more time thinking about my friends and why they do things & what I have done wrong with them etc than I do about him).
But - more indirectly than not - he has played a big part in my life, in my upbringing, in my family... these are the things that would take ages to explain, there are so many layers to it (one day perhaps I write it all down for you). But it would be weird if I didn't care at all.
And I am not the only one who feels this way. When I was at Gaby's last night they shared my exact feelings. Sure it doesn't change anything if we get worked up about the injustice of it all, but it's a natural reaction, for me at least. But yeah maybe we are to be pitied for that. I don't think that's what the other people meant tho.
Posted by: Clarissa on Sat November 19, 2005 at 21:46