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Clarissa 29 Brighton UK. Atheist asexual cynic. Loves green. Hates kids.
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I'm a selfish person
Mon, Oct 24 2005 @ 23:24   //   Category: Michael Jackson   //   3 comments

[MJ entry] I came across this entry tonight [29 April 2004]:

I've just had this theory that the reason I have kinda gone off MJ is because I want to protect myself from too much pain if he does get convicted. I'm very good at pushing people away when I know I'm gonna lose them.

And this would tie in with my recently re-ignited MJ craze. I am going back to my MJ obsession because now, finally, it is safe to do so.

Yes he was found innocent back in June, and that was a huge thing. But perhaps only know that I have seen him, and have assured myself that he is ok, and that following him is gonna be the same as before, can I truly embrace my obsession again.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I never abandoned him, never turned my back on him or anything. I always believed in him and his innocence. All I did was to somewhat back off emotionally. Not that much mind you. Just the "self-protection-necessity".

But of course that makes me selfish.

And if I pursue that thought, then surely I should be able to influence/modify my other obsessions/friendships/inlovenesses for my own good? :|


 
People say...

Yes, it's very good for you to be able to do that... "back off" a bit.
(It's not completely because of the trial that I went off him, but it's during that time that I did. Because... it just wasn't healthy for me anymore.)

Anyway, there's me bringing it back to myself again. I'm selfish too. Selfish is good!
But yeah, happy for you.

Posted by: Woods on Tue October 25, 2005 at 19:10

Having experienced 1993 I already knew how much it can hurt me if they hurt Michael. I think I've learned a lot back then, that's why it was easier for me to deal with it in 2005. I didn't think I had to back off to protect myself this time, but I did in 1993. Though I think I seriously would have lost my sanity if the jury had found Michael guilty. But I always had faith.

Posted by: Michelle on Tue October 25, 2005 at 23:09

hm
I guess you were just more optimistic than me... (which is also why reading your trial reports was great for me, they made me less scared)

Posted by: Clarissa on Wed October 26, 2005 at 19:29