[MJ entry] I came across this entry tonight [29 April 2004]:
I've just had this theory that the reason I have kinda gone off MJ is because I want to protect myself from too much pain if he does get convicted. I'm very good at pushing people away when I know I'm gonna lose them.
And this would tie in with my recently re-ignited MJ craze. I am going back to my MJ obsession because now, finally, it is safe to do so.
Yes he was found innocent back in June, and that was a huge thing. But perhaps only know that I have seen him, and have assured myself that he is ok, and that following him is gonna be the same as before, can I truly embrace my obsession again.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I never abandoned him, never turned my back on him or anything. I always believed in him and his innocence. All I did was to somewhat back off emotionally. Not that much mind you. Just the "self-protection-necessity".
But of course that makes me selfish.
And if I pursue that thought, then surely I should be able to influence/modify my other obsessions/friendships/inlovenesses for my own good? 
Yes, it's very good for you to be able to do that... "back off" a bit.
(It's not completely because of the trial that I went off him, but it's during that time that I did. Because... it just wasn't healthy for me anymore.)
Anyway, there's me bringing it back to myself again. 
I'm selfish too. Selfish is good! 
But yeah, happy for you.
Having experienced 1993 I already knew how much it can hurt me if they hurt Michael. I think I've learned a lot back then, that's why it was easier for me to deal with it in 2005. I didn't think I had to back off to protect myself this time, but I did in 1993. Though I think I seriously would have lost my sanity if the jury had found Michael guilty. But I always had faith.
Posted by: Michelle on Tue October 25, 2005 at 23:09hm 
I guess you were just more optimistic than me... (which is also why reading your trial reports was great for me, they made me less scared)