Things are looking up. I had a few pretty bad days - okay, more like week - hence the lack of updates, altho quite a number of things have been going on, most not so good (which contributed to the mood). Today has been better - altho some annoying things have happened again - but I could at least reduce my fedupness to those occurrences, instead of turning it into a big all-encompassing "ack this sucks, I want it all to go away".
It was actually pretty weird, the way I felt. Especially at the weekend. I wasn't so much suicidal or depressed. More than anything it was a feeling of exhaustion. Not necessarily physical exhaustion - I couldn't sleep when I tried of course - but everything required a huuuge effort. It felt like living in some viscous fluid. Or in slow motion. And slow motion is so not me. And rather than wanting to kill myself, what I felt like doing was jumping in front of a car so I'd break a leg or sth and have an excuse to get away for a while. 
The odd thing is tho, I did achieve quite a lot. I had to tidy the flat from top to bottom since my mum will be coming next weekend - and I managed to do most of that. And then my old shelves collapsed (again), so I had to go to Argos to buy new ones, and put them together, and I managed most of that too. And as you know I dyed my hair, too, and I went food-shopping on Saturday and into town again on Sunday. And I painted an old keyboard. And I "changed" my layout. That's quite a lot of stuff for me. But every single one of those things was a big struggle, and I repeatedly despaired at what lay ahead. And looking back I should have some sense of achievement (and usually I do), but again there was only exhaustion.
There were also external sources of annoyance. The shelves collapsing was one of them of course. There were others. My hip - the one that started hurting in Paris - is still hurting. I guess I'll have to go see a doctor about it. And the R.E.M. concert we were supposed to go to was postponed because of the terror attacks - to next Saturday when my mum is here of course. So I spent days deliberating whether to cancel and miss this concert that I'd been looking forward to for months, or to upset my mum by leaving her alone on Saturday evening. I was meant to call her at the weekend but I just couldn't face it.
I ended up calling her on Monday and explained the situation to her and she understood and said she'll find something to do. Which is wonderful of her. That whole business really got me down stupidly enough. Now I can listen to R.E.M. on my Zen again without getting sad. 
Other than that the conversation with my mum was pretty depressing tho - she's really not too well again at the moment, and with both of us feeling shit we of course talked loads about depression and the pointlessness of life and other such uplifting things.
Hm yeah. Anyway this wasn't actually meant to be a depressing entry - just a summary of the past few days. The new shelves are up and looking great. 
I also found the fabulous StreetCar and signed up for it (unfortunately I can't find my driving licence to finalize my registration - great 
) and the weather is good. With some luck I can be top call taker at work again for July (after June) which means I get an extra day off - apparently I am to use that on my trip to visit Katja & Tobias in October. 
We shall see...
PS Click here for a pic of my new hair in colour.
Woh the StreetCar thing is smart. The things I'm missing out of in the middle of nowhere. *sigh* (Well not that I need a StreetCar, or that I wanna live anywhere other than in the middle of nowhere...but that's not the point.)
Posted by: JarJar on Wed July 13, 2005 at 9:11Yeah you don't need Streetcar, you have Moncar. 
I've found my driving license btw
PS 
Nice blog, see you at internet.
