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Clarissa 29 Brighton UK. Atheist asexual cynic. Loves green. Hates kids.
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Mon, May 09 2005 @ 23:02   //   Category: Me about me   //   11 comments

See I don't even know how to start this fucking entry! Nor do I know what to say in it and in what order, and what is relevant and what is not. Because I can't make sense of it, and that in fact is one of my problems - that my thoughts are so jumpy and incoherent and I can never stick with a thought or idea or point of view long enough for it to make sense, because once I have thought about it for a while it suddenly looks completely different, and the course of action that suggested itself has completely changed as well, and therefore I can never get out of this; because it goes round and round and round in circles and I feel like I'm trying to catch my own tail and obviously I need to break out and find a straight line that I can follow that will take me out of this - this ME!!!!!!!

Are you still here? Wow. You are brave. So as I said I'm trying to make sense of it. No, I am not trying to fix myself, I've given up on that, and I'm not even trying to find out what's wrong with me, because I've tried that too and failed. But I must - at least - be able to explain what it is that makes me think something is wrong with me, what it is that is driving me crazy about myself - I wanna be able to put into words why I feel like screaming make me numb, for God's sake make it all go away!!!!

It's not always like that. I can have... more stable days. Like today, today was a good day. Today was work, and it was fairly busy, and then it was home and videos and occasional chatting. Books there were not, I would've liked to read but I can't seem to concentrate on anything that requires a bit more... attention span. I have, like, seriously fried my brain. It's not funny anymore.

But keeping brain occupied is good. Having idle brain is bad. Idle brain means obsessive thoughts swirling around aaallll the time, and I can't fucking control them you know?! It's like I'm a slave to those damn thoughts, they take me wherever they want, and they govern my moods and there's nothing I can do to stop them. And they're so fucking random, they make no sense - you know, they don't follow any logic that would get you to a satisfying conclusion - or even a frustrating one, I don't care, just some sort of ENDING!!! Nope, they go round and round and round in circles and I go through the same motions again and again - dejection, paranoia, self-hate, despair, resolution, capitulation... dejection, paranoia... and so on and so forth for all fucking eternity. And I'll be there thinking (somewhere, in the tiny rational part my brain has left) "oh for God's sake, I've been through these very same thoughts 1000 times already!!!!" but no - no matter, I'll think them a 1001st time! We're talking about things that can have happened 6 months ago! I am in no way exaggerating if I say 1000 times, trust me! So with things such as this I drive myself crazy. Seriously. These ups and downs are hell. The ups are worth shit because they are always followed by downs. And the ups and downs together mean I am not fucking going anywhere. Well, maybe slowly further down.

This is bad enough. But it's just affecting me, so it's ok. What's worse is - I drive those around me crazy as well. I don't want to do this, yet I can't switch it off. I want to be stronger than it, but it overwhelms me. There's the big scary monster again - it JUMPS on me and turns me into a monster myself. It wants company - it likes it when I become like this. And I confuse people, or worse, I hurt people, people I love more than anything else. I become a horrible person - I am a horrible person - and tho I see the wrongness of it it is a constant struggle not to be this person - and most of the time I lose it. But would you believe me if I said it's all just paranoia and insecurity? I might as well have "I do not deserve to be loved" tattooed on my forehead. And I do not believe I am loved - esp. not when the monster has me. Eeeeverything proves to me that you don't care. Nothing could ever be enough to prove that you do. (and yet as I write this, seemingly rationally, the monster inside me whispers "but really, what do they do for you?? Nothing! They just say they love you!" and some part of me knows that it's right!)

I know I repeat myself - I've been through this before. *lol* I've been through all of this before. I feel so pathetic. There's this one journal I read from time to time and the person keeps going on and on about the same things - and they have not got anywhere in life since I started reading their journal, and I often think "jesus christ, stop whingeing, admit you're fucked up and get help!!!!" Well - I am just like this person aren't I. I've been getting worse and worse, and I've been refusing to do anything about it, because it's fucking scary, and also promises to be a helluvalot of effort. But something's gotta be done right? If not for my sake, then for the sake of those who (pretend to) love me... right? :-s

Yeah so that's the idea.... now let's get started. :|

PS Oh and I have some other issues as well, but those I am not ready to talk about on here and possibly never will be.

People say...

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think it's good knowing that you aren't totally alone, and that other people have ups and downs and irrational thoughts. Even if their issues are totally different to yours...most people aren't much better at dealing.

As for doing something about it...I'm not much help. Keeping yourself occupied is good, butyou cant ignore something forever.

Wow. Thanks for the help snow!

Posted by: snow on Tue May 10, 2005 at 0:52

You'd be surprised how many people know where you are and have been there before at some stage.

Admission it is the first step, which you've taken... but you've done that before. The next is to have the willpower to keep going, and that's where you sometimes need other people.

They are out here, they do love you, and they will help. You've just got to let them.

Posted by: Craig on Tue May 10, 2005 at 3:07

I like this layout because it looks like I've actually written a lot in my journal for once!

erm, ja, I love you.

Posted by: squiZZle on Tue May 10, 2005 at 6:44

Thanks other--end-of-the-world people, you are cute

Posted by: Clarissa on Tue May 10, 2005 at 7:40

I dunno.

Posted by: The BML on Tue May 10, 2005 at 10:31

Have you considered a "Meme Killing Meme", like meditation or yoga?

Personally I use trad lead climbing to achieve the same effect - there's nothing like being in a slightly dangerous sitution for making the self, the ego, the id vanish leaving the cool, rational self in total uncluttered control. But that's just me I guess.


P.S. Likely to be in Brighton next week. Let me take you out to dinner?

Posted by: Charlie Williams on Tue May 10, 2005 at 13:42

Cute BML

Cool @ Charlie, I'll text you. Hope we can arrange sth! And yes I have considered that stuff but it would just drive me nuts cuz can't switch off thoughts!

Posted by: Clarissa on Tue May 10, 2005 at 14:57

round and round we go

Posted by: Mark on Tue May 10, 2005 at 20:23

*sigh* in-fucking-deed.

Posted by: Clarissa on Tue May 10, 2005 at 21:04

"And yes I have considered that stuff but it would just drive me nuts cuz can't switch off thoughts!"

But that's the whole point of meditation or yoga, no? Learning how to do it.

Posted by: JarJar on Tue May 10, 2005 at 22:53

Ja but well, I probably wouldn't manage to learn.

Posted by: Clarissa on Tue May 10, 2005 at 22:55