[the title is from a letter by Marlene Dietrich to Yul Brynner]
There was a whole entry linked to that title. It all came to me earlier while I was lying on the beach enjoying the sun & the warmth, precursors of the long awaited summer... it was kind of a synthesis of the past few days/weeks, but with a positive twist. It's gone now of course, along with the sun which has wandered on and left me in the dark (how pathetic). I will try to piece it back together. The entry. Not the sun.
Actually I can't. The much needed positivity has gone. It will return I hope - I am counting on it. Things will change, they have to, and for the first time in a long while I actually do believe that they may. I experienced a temporary setback yesterday, but I had much to deal with so I think I can forgive myself and keep trying.
I cried like a child when I had to give away my Lara. I still cry when I think of her. My mum asked me "are you crying?" - yes - "because of your car?" - yes - "yeah well you can't have it all". And that's just the point. I WANT IT ALL!!! I want it all and it's just not possible! I could keep my Lara of course if I really wanted to, but she'd be a waste of resources, what would be the point? Selling her is what makes sense. The most frustrating thing about losing something... knowing you will never get it back... it's what makes me wanna scream. Maybe it's cuz I was a spoilt only child.
When I was, I dunno, about 14 I think, I had a crap mark in a geography paper and was banned from going to a local Scouts party. Some of my friends were performing Guns'n'Roses, I really wanted to go, my parents had no idea how important this was for me - to them, the deal was "shit mark, not going out". It seemed so fucking disproportionate to me! (they have agreed since that it was) All I knew was "I REALLY WANNA BE THERE" and I was not allowed. It made me go almost insane with rage.
When my dad died it was sort of the same. The most frustrating thing was, HE IS NEVER GONNA COME BACK, no matter what I do. Gone gone gone, and whatever tantrum I throw is not gonna make any difference. This powerlessness was the worst thing. It may sound really spoilt and selfish, but I was kinda used to getting my way eventually. You know the way children cry not so much because they are upset but because they wanna get what they want? Yeah, like that. But nothing was gonna bring back my dad.
And when we lost squiZZ last March the feeling was similar. We did get him back of course but how was I to know? So it felt the same at that point. Someone else had taken the decision. I was powerless, there was nothing I could do. Except scream & shout & cry.
And now...? Well, as I said. I could keep the car of course. But it makes no sense. So I won't. And this will make me frustrated. So I will wanna scream & shout & cry. Because, well, I want it all. I want a car and a horse and 3 PCs. I want to travel loads and I want all my friends with me all the time; I want to live in the UK and I want to live in Paris; I want a Lux salary but I don't want to live in Lux; I want a career I like but I don't wanna make an effort to find it; I wanna win the lottery but I don't wanna buy a ticket.
Yeah that's the negative view. The positive one, which as I said got lost along the way, was sth along the lines of "aye but it ain't so bad and summer's coming so let's rejoice and try one bit at a time"... so there goes. Let's. Wish me luck. Thank you for your attention.
Hm. Interesting. And ja.
Do I have to COMMENT-comment, or can I just say I liked the entry? 
You can. Did I say you had to comment? You have to update!
Posted by: Clarissa on Tue April 19, 2005 at 23:24No but wanted to, and wondered if one wanted to comment one had to actually say something smart about the entry.
Posted by: JarJar on Wed April 20, 2005 at 9:54"You know the way children cry not so much because they are upset but because they wanna get what they want?"
I hate that. *ahem* Children are so selfish. And loud.
But don't we all want everything? I do. Well not anything and not immediately, but everything I like and some time soon. *g*
Posted by: Katja on Wed April 20, 2005 at 11:21LOL @ Mon. "I liked the entry" is fine as a comment 
Cute Katja. Ja I guess we do... but wouldn't it be a virtue to settle for less?
Most people do manage to settle for less though, so I guess it's just training yourself into that kind of thought, that life isn't always something that's decided by you and at times you can have absolutely no control over your own destiny.
It's like you want to be in control over what happens in your life as in you want to make all these decisions, but one of the biggest things which influences your decision making is your state of mind, and you have absolutely no control over that. You scream and shout when you want something, even though you'd rather not, so you're not actually in control of your reactions or emotions, which are ultimately what lead you to making any decisions anyway, and/or being happy.
I want it the other way round, I want to leave it up to Life to throw things at me because I find that spontaneous and fun. But I want control over my thoughts, emotions and reactions.
I dunno, maybe we all just have too much time to think.
Posted by: The BML on Wed April 20, 2005 at 13:14But maybe they want other or more attainable things, like a family and a steady job.
Besides I know a lot of unhappy people.
And ja I would like control over my emotions too but that is obviously totally impossible.