[originally this was meant to be a handwritten & scanned entry but I decided to spare you my handwriting and type it up instead. am too lazy to rephrase it tho]
Hello. I've not done a proper update in a while but I feel like lying in bed and it's easier to handwrite lying down than to type, so you're getting a handwritten update. In fact I feel more like writing a letter but I can't decide who to so it's gonna be like a letter to everyone. Every single person in the whole wide world. Provided they can read English and have Internet access.
I think I regret this already. My arm hurts and I'm gonna have to get up out of bed to scan this later. I'm also gonna have to get up and go out to check on my car, as today is the first day of residential parking around here. They can fine me but they better not clamp me. I'm selling my Lara in a week and I'd rather not pay £200 outstanding fines or so just a week before.
I called in sick today (hence the lying in bed). I've had the most horribly nightmarish week-end ever - I swear I've never felt this sick in my life. I was honestly ready to die on Saturday night. I'm feeling considerably better today but still a bit queasy. So I've spent all day in bed. Surfing and chatting to my boys. Whom I love very... but you know all of that.
I'm a bit peculiar. Well more than a bit I guess. But I am. I'm pretty good at making people feel crap when I feel crap. I've been trying to find out why I do it, as it doesn't really make sense. When people disappoint me (and I am easily disappointed, since I always believe the worst) then I make a huge big fuss about it. And get really horrible. And make them feel bad about it - as bad as I can - and really there's no point at all.
Because making them feel bad won't make me feel better. Their attempts at justifying what they did won't convince me that they weren't using me. And nothing they can ever do to try & make up for it can undo the original disappointment - that after all has proved to me what I inherently believe anyway. Anything else is just to placate me - for no reason other than they don't wanna lose me so they can use me again next time.
So in the end the other person feels bad too & I feel even worse than when it started cuz I've made them feel bad. When of course my original intention somehow was to make them feel bad about what they'd done. Or make them regret it. I would love to say I just want them to prove me wrong but as I have just demonstrated, they can't do that anyway.
It's all a bit fucked up don't you agree. And I apologize to everyone who has to suffer from my fuckedupness. It's not you, it's me (& all that jazz 
). I am trying to work on it. 
Yeah so that's that. Next week-end I am off to Luxembourg to move my horse from one place to another and to sell my car (as already mentioned). Then I come back here and life resumes its course. How dull. *sigh*
It's sunny outside and I have the window open so I can hear the sounds of the city ringing in my ear. I would venture out if I wasn't ill. Maybe I will sleep instead. Or write another letter - a real one this time. Farewell dear friends.
Ah, that would explain it. I was in B'ton today (to see my supervisor) and phoned you a few times to see if you wanted to be taken out for a drink (or otherwise cheered up). No reply so I went climbing instead.
Get Well Soon (or Get Less Worse Soon, whichever is more appropriate)
CCW
Posted by: Charlie Williams on Mon April 11, 2005 at 21:53 the mystery of Charlie Williams resolved. Yeah sorry mobile was on silent. Saw now that you rang. Was definitely not in going out shape. 