I do not get myself. Today's been one of those days where I've been very up and very down and I have no idea why. Could someone please explain myself to me? Should I stop trying to analyze myself? Do I look for problems where there are none?
So after being quite upbeat and positive all morning, listening to music and actually getting quite a lot done, I suddenly drop into this deep abyss. I can't explain why! The 'superficial' reason - stupidly, irrationally - is this: I am reminded of a horse I used to be in love with & whom I lost years ago. This suddenly tears me apart with unjustifiable violence, so I start bawling and curl up on my bed and I think about how I have to go to his owner and buy him off him. My life depends upon it!
But it is of course totally insignificant. I did have such thoughts when I lost him, but this was ages ago and I have barely wasted a thought on him in years! And even as I cry and despair I realize this and ask myself, why do I actually cry? And of course I don't know the answer, for I have no reason to cry and despair. Least of all a horse, but nothing else either.
And I think back on when my grandad died. He died the same day as Princess Diana. I barely shed a tear for my grandad (I missed half of his funeral cuz I 'had to' go to a Michael Jackson concert), but I spent hours crying in front of the TV watching Diana's funeral... I accumulated a whole fucking collection of Diana memorial magazines. I'd never wasted a single thought on her before she died!
So I am reminded of that and other examples, and of my tendency to displace my feelings, to project them onto something other than the issue that matters. And I wonder - and cannot understand - what I am now displacing them from. I don't get what my problem is! The horse isn't of course, but neither is the job that annoys me, or the fact that I have to sell my car, or the thoughtless act of one of my friends that will plunge me into an endless cycle of negative thoughts for days. It's none of that, but I don't know what it is. It's everything, and it's nothing. I guess it's just me. I need a user's manual to me.
Oh well. In less than an hour I am meeting a Vega 
"but I spent hours crying in front of the TV watching Diana's funeral... I accumulated a whole fucking collection of Diana memorial magazines. I'd never wasted a single thought on her before she died!"
Ok I know is serious entry and all, but that was just very funny Erm sorry.
I don't find that funny. Ok, the Diana thing is a bit surprising... I understand the abyss thing cos I'm like that too, sometimes.. I experience it a bit differently tho...
Um yeah sorry I fail to see the funny side of it too.
@ Val. What are your abysses like then?
Is funny because it's so freaky.
Um ok. There were loads of people following the Diana cult who hadn't just lost a grandparent
Aha. And I found the whole thing very very strange.
And especially coming from someone who goes "THE POPE IS GONNA DIE HAHAHAHHAHAHA" and your general "who cares if someone I don't know dies" attitude I find this funny/weird.
Hmmm. I hate feelings like that, where you don't actually KNOW why you feel them. I dunno tho, I know for you you tend never to know what's wrong or why you're depressed. I can generally work it out for myself and know what I need to do to be ok again but you usually say you don't actually know what you want, and thinking about it is too great an effort. Maybe deep down you DO know what it is, but you've supressed it or sth. Finding out how to unlock it is obviously the key, but I don't know how you get started. Maybe just sit and think and don't block out a possibility because it's too scary to deal with. Sometimes you don't even realise the thing you wanted was there all along.
Posted by: BML The on Mon March 7, 2005 at 13:08Maybe you should eat some bananas. They contain serotonin which allegedly will make you happy again. (Antidepressiva also contain serotonin)
Posted by: Katja on Mon March 7, 2005 at 13:58*throws happy pills in toilet and runs to fridge to get bananas*
Posted by: JarJar on Mon March 7, 2005 at 14:08Bananas suck.
*lol* Sorry, Katja.
Posted by: BML The on Mon March 7, 2005 at 14:30If you don't like bananas, you can still eat kiwi fruits. Though I think they contain less serotonin (not sure). Oh, and sugar (and other carbohydrates) helps your body to create serotonin. But you can get addicted to serotonin (that's why some people can't stop eating). Interesting, isn't it? *g*
Posted by: Katja on Mon March 7, 2005 at 14:47I taught myself how to open bananas recently 
Hmmm @ BML. I think I've unlocked it - it's probably cuz I'm fat!
I love my Katja & her chemicals.
Well done @ squiZZ.
Mon - well ja I still think that (I don't care when someone dies), which is why it was weird of me, but wasn't that the whole point of explaining the... link? Still wasn't funny tho.
LMAO! How could I forget...
Posted by: BML The on Tue March 8, 2005 at 8:30I had always suspected that most people weren't crying for Diana but in fact for themselves and their own mortality.
Posted by: Anne on Tue March 8, 2005 at 15:46