- August 2002 -

:: 28Aug02 12:10 :: CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES :: Damnit, my diary file is too big to be edited in Notepad. It's time for a new month to start. Today is Michael Jackson's Birthday - happy birthday Mike :) I have just killed a fucking HUUUGE spider by throwing a magazine & book on it from a distance. Now I'll have to wait till Sunday for my friend to remove the remains. I HATE the bastards, I really do. Worst thing is they are EVERYwhere - there is no avoiding them! Haven't finished packing yet, God I have to be up in less than 7hrs. Have to check what the weather will be in Paris. After that I'll be off to bed.

      I've set my resolution to 1024x768 now that I'm back on my old monitor, but it's quite tiny on 15". I'll get myself a new one to go with the new PC, which incidentally I have ordered today. Can't wait. God I hate spiders. OK, next update on Sunday, see ya.

:: 28Aug02 12:10 :: SMALL TALK & WEB TALK :: My head hurts and I'm feeling sick. I'm probably feeling sick because of all the painkillers I've taken against my headache - but why does my head hurt? There's absolutely no reason for it and it's totally out of order.

      The guy from the fun fair has rung again - he's getting on my nerves by now. When I met him I didn't mind, he was kinda funny. When he rang the next day, I didn't care, tho I wasn't over-enthusiastic. Now I am just plain annoyed. Why does he keep ringing? I mean, what makes people chat up other people, want to talk to other people they barely know & have little in common with, mostly about trivial stuff, and always eager to impress? What a waste of time - I can think of more interesting stuff to do with my time. I guess I am fairly elitist. My friends are cool & interesting (that's why they are my friends), and the average person out there just bores me.

      I'm having quite a few visitors these days - like, people I don't know and stuff. Weird thought. Hi people! *waving* Oh I've also found BlogAmp, a Winamp plugin that uploads your Winamp playlist to your site - pretty cool, I think I'll get that once I have DSL. BTW, I found that while visiting the site of Michelle's new clique member. Isn't it interesting how you get from one place to another online? You follow link after link and end up somewhere completely different than where you first started. Ah, the wonders of the Web. OK I'm bullshitting now, better go.

:: 28Aug02 00:10 :: BLURGH :: Pretty horrid day. After 6 days of action with Karin, today was one of those days where I'm reminded that my dad is dead. Lots of sobbing & bawling fits, not much else achieved tho there is much to do, and now my head hurts and I'm hungry cuz I haven't had dinner, but I can't be bothered to go downstairs and get something. I did watch two episodes of Ally McBeal tho. Ling is so fucking cool, I love her.

      I keep seeing things flying around in the corner of my eye. I wonder if there ARE things flying around or if I'm just freaking out. I'll find out tomorrow. Now it is time to sleep. Good Night.

:: 26Aug02 00:20 :: DRUNK GIRL & WARBLE :: I'm only updating cuz Karin is making me. Bye. LOL ok some more. We went to our fun fair last night, it was, um, interesting. I got chatted up by a guy who has the same name as my dad, he was nice enough, um, anyway, in the meantime Karin downed 3 Vodka-Lemon and an Alcopop and from one minute to another started walking around like a zombie. LOL. We went out to get some fresh air, by then she was totally unreceptive to anything. We got her some water, then to the First Aid stand cuz I got really scared. ROFL. She was ok tho and they suggested I take her home. By the time we'd reached the car, she'd gone from "eeeeugh" and "gnhgggnnnn" to "I think I'm drunk" and "where are we?" Very cute (also: "why aren't you drunk?" - well cuz I didn't drink half as much as you did, silly! And I'm muuuch bigger *lol*). Um. Yeah. Chatting-up-guy rang me this morning to ask if everything was ok. It was. Karin was up & happy by 10am (and not at all hungover!!).

      There, I've updated, happy now Karin? *g* BTW they're coming on Sept. 9th to install my DSL - yay!!!! :) Oh and we're going to Paris from the 29th till Sept 1st (me & my mum). Apparently MJ will be at the MTV VMAs in NYC, now I can't go because of Paris. Oh and squiZZle tells me every kid that's been to Ikea has a Muscles. Well I'd never seen one before and I love him! And BTW Karin's Swedish and never had one! *hmph*

:: 24Aug02 2:00 :: ANTON & MUSCLES ::
      I want Muscles! I've got Muscles! He's the cutest thing, don't you think? He's a biiig dangerous snake from, er, Ikea. *lol* OK OK he's soft and cuddly and harmless. Um, anyway, I love him and I must keep him (Martine I'll get you another one okay? *giggle*). We also got Anton, you can find out more about him and how we assembled him here. *g* Oh, and Goliath, who shall be assembled tomorrow or the day after or maybe in a few weeks' time.

:: 22Aug02 19:30 :: MAD DRIVER :: LOL sth really embarrassing happened last night. We'd been out & we'd parked our car in a REALLY tiny parking space. As we were leaving, two guys drove up behind us in a car and asked sth like "so you think you'll get out of that space?" and I replied rather aggressively, cuz I don't like guys making macho remarks, and they had an Audi too which didn't make me like them any more.

      Turns out they were cops on patrol & they had a go at me for being so unfriendly, that they'd only wanted to help (& obviously they scared the crap out of me, not sure I was below the alcohol limit). I went all "oh you know, innocent girls being chatted up, blabla" and they ended up helping us anyway LOL.

      Then just 300m after getting out of the car park, I knocked down a road sign, it flew straight over my bonnet & windscreen and landed behind the car. Because I was scared the cops might remember me & make the link between me leaving and the sign, I actually told the Road Administration about it so I'm gonna have to pay for it to be replaced (ugh).

      Karin is here visiting so we've been around town a lot. Funny how you get to see 'new' places of your hometown when you have a 'tourist' to entertain. We really have quite a lovely little city I must say - I may post some pics some time.

:: 21Aug02 00:10 :: ANTICLIMAX :: Today (well, yesterday in fact) we went for a visit at our old Riding School, the place where I'm persona non grata (theoretically), it was fairly unexciting tho. No one chased us away, no one shouted at us, we just chatted to our friends and said hi to the horses we had gone to see, and that was that. I hadn't been there in two years - considering I'd spent 12 years at that place I felt strangely unbothered - I guess I have moved on after all, who would ever have thought. Is that part of growing up too? I do despise those people tho, and resent them too, I guess that will never change.

      It's raining again - the weather REALLY sucks these days. Karin will be arriving tomorrow morning and I had hoped to show her some cool places, but I guess we'll find stuff to do inside as well. Yeah, so anyway, there might not be any updates for a while, but I love you all the same. And the Live page will be back too ok? :P

:: 19Aug02 22:50 :: OMG, NEW LAYOUT! :: Yeah I can't believe it myself. Basically I was SO bored I decided to do a new layout - but not bothered enough to do anything really elaborate. I'm not 100% satisfied with it, but it will do. I might still play around with it (e.g. do the headings in real handwriting) and add some more pages - 'Cast' and 'Site' for instance. Incidentally, does anyone EVER check the 'Live' page? If so, I shall resume that, too. You've got a tagboard now so get writing! I'll be off to watch The Osbournes now! :)

:: 18Aug02 14:50 :: SEX, FASHION, MAKE-UP, RELATIONSHIPS :: That's all girly magazines are about - and it bores me to death! Is that really what the women of today are interested in??? That would be appalling and highly disturbing!

      I've found further proof of my attention deficit disorder tho (ok ok I'm exaggerating, I just can't concentrate on anything). I found an old booklet to test your creative intelligence, and you had a question and 4 minutes to find as many 'creative answers' as possible... you should aim for 6-7, but possibly more. And I'd start thinking, find about 10 in a bit more than a minute and then get really bored and stop. I know I could've persevered if it had been compulsory, but still, it's alarming. Right? :/

:: 18Aug02 00:00 :: HANGOVER *lol* :: Went to a barbeque yesterday, it was really good, we were being very giggly, very girlish and very bitchy (and did something nasty but hilariously amusing). I also got very drunk, so I spent a large part of today in bed feeling rather unwell. The heat didn't really help - but at least I finished my magazines, my book & started a new one. Um, yeah. I'm not very inspired about this diary at the moment... I've had some thoughts I wanted to write about from time to time, but it's far too much hassle right now. I've been toying with the idea of a redesign too... but I'd be so sad to see the Browser go. Plus tbh I don't have the time for it right now. I like Linda's new design at Amarese.com.

:: 16Aug02 17:25 :: ANNIVERSARIES & GOSSIP :: It's 25 years today that Elvis died. I am totally not bothered tho (God, some people are running around in Elvis T-shirts - get a life you people, how can you be worshipping someone world famous? *g*). Today's also one of my best friend's 25th birthday (yes she's the reincarantion of Elvis LOL). And the sun is still shiting, er I mean shining - it's freaking hot but I shouldn't complain/ain't complaining. That's it.

      It's weird, I'd have a lot of gossip about my life, but in a way I have never talked about that here so it'd be kinda off topic.. and it would take ages to introduce all the people & give background info... but in a way it would be ideal to talk about it on here cuz those people DON'T actually read this diary (unlike my online friends ;). Maybe I should do a 'Cast' page after all & then just get bitching! *g*

:: 15Aug02 20:45 :: RESUMING NORMALITY? :: Woah, I've finally found my way back to this site. Been out in the - wait for it - real world, meeting real people and all that jazz. It wasn't as daunting as I'd expected & it has helped me get my mind off things - my debilitating lethargy & depression for instance. I've got plans for tomorrow as well, imagine. All of this means of course that I barely come online. I missed all about 'What More Can I Give' being leaked - one dream come true, I love that song! I'd never have imagined... too cool :)

      Things at home are a bit tense tho, me and my mum aren't always getting on too well & it seems hard to adjust with one third of our triangle missing. My mum seems to expect me to replace my dad in aspects where I simply can't... and there are many occasions where I miss his presence & influence... we'll both have to learn to make it work without him, but the way things are now, I could imagine things breaking apart soon enough. Maybe we'll get a grip tho.

      The sun is back at long last so I've been out a lot - I think that has helped too. The weather does have a heavy influence on my mood. The heat can be annoying, but it's so much better than the constant greyness.

:: 13Aug02 18:30 :: BOREDOM PLAIN & SIMPLE :: Hey it's me whingeing again (don't even know if that's spelled right). I hate colds & stuff. Apparently the weather will be getting better. Guess I shouldn't be complaining, considering all the apocalyptic floods throughout Europe. Actually I'd love to do a boat trip around one of them flooded towns - must be quite weird. I feel for my beloved Salzburg though.

      The shard of glass I've had in my thumb for 10 months finally came out today. Well, with some help from me. It was really quite tiny.

:: 11Aug02 18:30 :: BOREDOM & RANDOM PICS :: I was supposed to visit my friends in Germany this week-end, but I couldn't in the end cuz my car's bonnet refused to close after I'd been MOT'd (German: TÜV, French: contrôle technique). Didn't really get much done at home either - well, I DID unpack the rest of my stuff and did some tidying up in my room. Am gonna work on Alain's website now hopefully. Watched a lot of telly - must get rid of that television, honestly, it's eating up my days. My Hard Drive is full to the brim, but I've 'ordered' my new PC... waiting for a price offer. It's gonna be awesome. :D

      In the meantime, I've taken some pics of my room & bathroom & stuff, just to keep you entertained...


Left my TV corner, maybe soon to be abolished? Probably not. Lots of tapes, no VCR.
Right my PC table incl. random stuff ... all this will change once I get a new desk.

Too many clothes. Far too many clothes. Must have them all tho (this is not all of them *lol*, just a sample!)

Ok I'm bored now, sorry. *lol* Maybe I'll show you the rest of the pics some other day. I tried ey. I think I have some sort of attention deficit disorder. Nah, just laziness. Whatever.

:: 10Aug02 17:30 :: MOOD BOOST :: Aaah, the therapeutic effect of shopping :) My new printer/scanner (HP PSC 750) & my new Hifi (Philips M355) say hi! The Hifi plays mp3s - that's mighty cool - altho it would be cooler if it had a "Random Play" function. *g*

:: 09Aug02 0:00 :: GROWING UP & SWITCHING SIDES :: These are my last weeks being a kid. Meaning, I will start work in September, I will be paying tax, I will be supposed to teach kids English - kids that I can still totally relate to cuz I figure I'd rather be taught than teach others. I don't wanna be independent, I wanna rely on others rather than having others rely on me. Maybe that's what scares me so much about witnessing my mum's weird black-outs, about these moments when she's disoriented and when it becomes obvious that her short-term memory is seriously deteriorating. I need her, I don't want her to need me.

      The thought of standing before a class scares me too. Not because I think they'll take the piss or reduce me to tears or anything, I doubt that is gonna happen. But the thought of switching sides, of becoming 'the enemy' - I remember vividly how we used to judge our teachers, how we considered them to be from another galaxy, people with no life, conservative, dull, responsible, stuck-up - and if they were sorta youthful & funky we considered them wannabes. And I realise now that I will be forced to put on an act to become one of those people - but I will do it, because I have switched sides.

      I know when I'll see the bored 16-yr olds who think education is a waste of time, I will see myself 10 years ago. And I remember how I felt, the lack of interest in what was going on, and the contempt I had for those who were trying to motivate me (*wink* at Ms Disiviscour - I have not forgotten! *lol*). But I had it easy - I passed anyway, more or less effortlessly. Others will ruin their lives because they don't give a fuck, and it will infuriate me, and I will try to lecture them about the importance of a good education, and they will roll their eyes at me, just like I used to 10 years ago.

:: 07Aug02 11:10 :: THRUTHFULNESS ONLINE & OFF :: I've wanted to write something about this for a while, and now Vega has been faster again *lol* - I mean the impossibility of being completely truthful in online diaries which are read by your friends. There are so many things I cannot write because I would be hurting or shocking the people I know. The only way I could be completely honest would be if I told no one I know and promoted it anonymously. I believe that would make the diary a bit more interesting cuz I could be bitchier & also stop putting on an act in certain matters.
      I mean as soon as you tell someone you know about it, you run the risk of having to lie. Even if this is your best friend & someone you think "you tell everything". If you go to the bottom of it, you'll find that you don't. We constantly lie to everyone anyway - I mean who really tells the world all he thinks anyway?! You don't go up to strangers saying "What a hideous top you are wearing!", and you don't tell your friends the complete truth about yourself (or them) either. The other day I wanted to cancel a visit at a friend's & asked my mum to help me with a good excuse... she said "why don't you just tell them that you don't feel like it?", and we both agreed I couldn't. It's rude - I would be hurt too if someone told me that.
      Yeah so basically I'm not quite sure what to do with my diary. The other problem is my students once I start teaching - no way do I want them to read this, it would make me feel quite uncomfortable. There is a good chance they'll find it tho if they decide to look around for me online, even tho I've changed my name & all. But I don't wanna take if offline either. That would be capitulation. Might have to move it to a different server, that would decrease the risk.

:: 06Aug02 23:30 :: TRANSFORMATION :: Well there goes, the old Clarissa is gone. I won't stand out in the crowd anymore, at least not for my hair. I am now "Pure Violet Power", which is basically purple-black. I miss my red already, but I've gotta say I feel quite comfortable with this too. Must go back to the Goth thing. Must also start looking less freaky as I guess it is now time to grow up. Or pretend to at least. Must say something about that one day or other btw. OK, here's pics of my transformation:

Before - Oooh the red! Look at the regrowth tho! LOL

In between - after bleaching the roots, incl. make-up experiment.

After - the Queen of Darkness is back. *g* My mum has the same colour!!

:: 05Aug02 23:30 :: OZZY ONE LAST TIME :: OK this is a fucking conspiracy! My TV Guide was wrong, MTV Text was lying to me, I missed half of the Osbournes tonight & now it won't be on until Thursday night!!!!!! I feel sick!

:: 05Aug02 13:10 :: COLD TURKEY :: OMG what a nightmare what am I gonna do? The Osbournes aren't on that much at all during the week, only Tuesday 19.00 (where I'm supposed to be at a friend's, hey, might have to cancel), and Weds 11.30. And you can't get them on VHS or DVD! So what now??? Get a life? Oh ok, I'mma try. Still not unpacked btw. Or written any e-mails for that matter. :/

:: 05Aug02 00:50 :: NYC 9/11, AND, ERM, THE OS... :: It's quite amazing how many people I like were in NYC on Sept. 11th... like, famous ones (us MJ-fans were the only non-famous ones I know). MJ was there obviously, and Moby was there cuz that's where he lives, he watched it from the roof, Elizabeth Wurtzel lived like 1 block away and literally fled from it, and the Osbournes were there too as I've just found out... of course it had to come back to that, I'm sorry. I'm having serious withdrawal symptoms here, so I had to surf around for sites about them. Also found out that Sharon has colon cancer, it's curable tho. *phew* OK I'll go to bed now, finally finish reading More, Now, Again and set my alarm for 11.25. *lol* Maybe it ain't on on week-days? *scared*

:: 04Aug02 23:30 :: OSBOURNE-MANIA & SITE REVIEW :: Oh I just wish Ozzy would stop letting those disgusting little dogs lick his face, it makes me puke.
      OK OK I promise I won't turn this diary into a running commentary on The Osbournes, but honestly I can't help it. And it's on bloody three times a day, are they trying to ruin me or what!!?? This is gonna rule my life for the next few weeks (or however long it is on). Gotta be home at 11.30, 17.30 and 23.00. It's fine, I can do that. Don't have much else to do do I. BTW they blank out 'middle fingers' - now how does THAT make sense? Pfft, never pretended I understood MTV censorship.
      Oh I've had my site reviewed, you might remember I said I might submit to a few sites. They liked it, they say it's fun :) Didn't like the \'changing layouts' on the different pages. Obviously that was the whole point - a browser goes to all sorts of different sites & pages on the Net. So does the Clarissa Explorer :P Anyway, check it out at REVIEWER. Now I will finally do some e-mailing :) No I swear!!!

:: 04Aug02 18:00 :: IN LOVE :: LOLOL not only do I love The Osbournes (the show), but I also love the Osbournes, as in the family. They are soooooo adorable, esp. Ozzy & Kelly. Sharon's pretty cool too. Ooooh I am sooooo addicted. Can't be good. Can you get that on video? Now where is my Amazon wishlist? *lol*

:: 04Aug02 12:00 :: INSANITY SITCOM :: OMG I fucking love The Osbournes!!!!! I never thought I would, but I've only seen it twice and I'm addicted already. Must check out the TV schedules. I mean, woah, they are too insane to be real! I mean, this is set up right!? It's too over-the-top to not be set up. God, I'd move in with them right away, they're too cool. Kelly's the coolest, she's my new role model. Sharon is seriously insane tho, right? And what's the deal with Ozzy? Is he constantly drunk? I thought aging rockers were clean? I mean, he walks & talks like he's had a bottle of Gin, but his hands shake like he's in need of one! Weird.
      And what's with the swearing? I mean, usually MTV bleep out every single "fuck" in their videos, and here you get anything from cunt to wanker, and of course fuck in every single fucking sentence, and you can hear it all?? Too cool! *lol*

:: 04Aug02 11:00 :: GUESS WHO'S BACK :: Well here goes, I'm home. I have a cool new carpet, it's green and really soft - so much nicer to walk on than the old one. Can't wait to have guinea-pigs pee all over it :)

:: 03Aug02 1:00 :: BYE BYE ENGLAND :: Right, that's it, my last diary entry from England. *sigh* End of an era, and there's no coming back this time. Oh well. Grown up life, here I come :| OK, will enjoy my LAN for another hour or so and then head off to bed. I'm quite knackered.

:: 02Aug02 16:20 :: SOME CHANGES AHEAD? :: Jeez, I'm still here! Reading other people's diaries is sorta fun. I've also discovered some review sites, and I might submit Clarissaweb to a few, if I have the guts. *ahem* They also gave me some ideas for some changes on here... a "Cast" page for instance with a list of my peeps... 's kinda cool. Better than the "Friends" page I used to have - meaning I could list people I dislike too :P Also, I've been thinking of getting a Tag board recently... it's more immediate than my guestbook (and I know Bravenet sucks, but I don't wanna start a new one cuz then it will be blank again!)
      Everyone seems to love iMood. I kinda prefer making up my own moods - plus I don't really wanna be like everyone else. OK, forget iMood. I think I'll do a new welcome page again tho. Maybe something Wyclef - I like the look of his new album. I'll also completely revamp the pics section, get rid of some sessions & do a "Misc" page with random pics I like. Oh & I really like Linda's questionnaires on her About page, so I'll ask her if I can steal them :P Also want one on my PC usage & equipment. :) Oh God, and all that will have to be uploaded on 56k. *yuck* Must get cable asap.
      Oh, and I wonder if I should start reading more diaries & bitch about the people. *lol* How mean. OK nevermind me :| Now I'll start packing!

:: 02Aug02 15:20 :: POLITICS, DIARIES & BABBLES :: Ok this is the weirdest thing. I've just changed my May archive from 4 separate pages to one long one, and in the process, all colons were removed from the page!!! No idea why. Makes my smileys look idiotic too of course, so I guess I'll have to convert again.
      I just did a "political test" on Self-gov.org and it turns out I am left-liberal. I didn't need a test to tell me that, but it was funny to have it confirmed anyway. Oh, I found the test on Linda's site Amarese.com - which is a generally cool place, her diary is often interesting, so I shall link that :b Hope she doesn't mind. Guess I could ask. *g*
      OK I really have to start packing now. *sob* Leaving tomorrow, did I ever say that? So this is, like, my last day in England. And my last day on my LAN, which is almost worse! *gasp* BTW, I was feeling too crap yesterday to write anything, but I bought Wyclef's new album (as you could possibly tell), I really love it, and also Kandi's Hey Kandi (finally, yes, so far I only had the mp3s! *eek*). Both Sony albums BTW! :P Oh, and a compilation of South African music. See, I got a Virgin gift voucher from the sweet people at my job! :)

:: 01Aug02 23:20 :: DADDY ::
(W. Jean, J. Duplessis, J. Hamady)

Iím sure yíall heard about my dad
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
This one goes out for everybody that lost somebody
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
Be strong
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy

Now I understand what Scarface meant
When he said I never seen a man cry till I seen a man die
Never in my deepest thoughts that I would imagine
I would be the one carrying a coffin
Yo I feel like a orphan even though I got a mom
Iím the first born so I gotta play strong
Memories of the past bout when we cried when we laughed
It makes it hard, dad, for me to finish write this paragraph
I remember when we all shoved snow frost bites and all
Temperature forty below
You used to call me lazy cause I said it was too cold
But you would go in the crib fix me a fresh cup a cocoa
I canít front
I wish there was a sequel of the sixth sense
So I could see dead people
Iím so hurt, dad
I canít cry no more
But I know that youíre knockin on heavenís door
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
Rest in peace, dad
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
All my people live on
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
Rest in peace, dad
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy

Look into my eyes
Realize Iím the same man my father was
Yíall can tell by my Pink Cadillac
The way I clean my ride
Old grim tilted to the side
But what I loved most was when the God philosophize
About the philosophies of life in its reality
Keep the right mentality
Donít fall into vanity
Sometime I feel like he standin watchin over me
Whisperin in my ear, baby boy, Iím still here
I heard him said Iím the shadow right beside you
And if you confused, son, Iím there to guide you
And even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I fear no evil
For the Lord is wit me
But donít forget that your momís in your hands
You two were so close
That I finally understand
And hereís a message to your brothers and your sisters
Iíma miss em
No matter what Iíma be wit em

Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
To my dad, rest in peace
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
I guess Iíll see you at the resurrection
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
To all my people that lost somebody
Da--a, daddy, daddy, daddy
Put the lighters in the air
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
Oh, daddy
Oh, daddy
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
Oh, yeah, yeah
I need you, daddy
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
Oh, oh
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy
Da, da, da, daddy, daddy, daddy

Oh Wyclef

:: 01Aug02 0:50 :: A LOOK INTO THE PAST :: It's August. It's the 1st of August in fact, which is the birthday of someone who was once one of my best friends, many rains ago. Back when I let people use and abuse me, and suffered helplessly, because I thought I needed their affection. Looking back now I know I've come out stronger. I've learnt from it and I ain't taking shit from anyone anymore.
      I ain't gonna turn this into a hatred and resentment entry - pity, more like. It must be hard to look at your own life and realise you're a failure. You may be able to fake it for a while by projecting your self-hatred onto other people - but eventually the illusion will crumble. Oh what am I saying. If you're delusional enough you can keep up the lie throughout your whole life. Right Jim?
      Ooooh the parallels to my father's life are too spooky. How could I fall for these people, who were so much like everything I hated in my father. And altho I saw the similarities, I would defend them all the same. I wonder why. Nothingness. But it's all gone now.
      Sorry for this cryptic entry. I know some people reading this will know exactly who I am talking about.

read on > July 2002