- June 2002 -

:: 28Jun02 23:00 :: I'm a lazy cow. Was gonna go shopping but too lazy now. Will be off to bed as soon as I've finished packing. I broke the D key on my keyboard (laptop!). Not happy. Not happy at all. Am going home to Lux tomorrow BTW, in case anyone was wondering.

:: 27Jun02 21:06 :: FIGHT, that's all i gotta say. fooking fight.

:: 27Jun02 15:30 :: It's not that some days depression comes over you and some days it doesn't. It's that some days you can fight it and some days you can't. Or maybe you don't want to. You can only keep up the fortress for so long until it breaks down. Desperation. Frustration. Helplessness. Hate it. Yet what does it matter, in the big scheme of things? And who am I kidding, trying to keep it away from me? Yet it seems unbearable. And once you have succumbed, it seems impossible to get out of it.

:: 26Jun02 18:30 ::                 What is it about religion?
How come most people need it? And how come some people, incl. myself, don't? Memnoch The Devil, which I am reading right now, is based on the biblical idea of God and Creation, and I thoroughly enjoy the book... as a good piece of fiction. I just cannot conceive of this as reality, I can't and I don't want to.
      Isn't the idea of a God creating us in His image ridiculously self-referential and self-centred? Isn't it totally obvious that it was the other way round - that we created a God to match ourselves and our ideals? Why would he be, how COULD he be that way?
      And isn't it fascinating how it is completely impossible to debate this because normal logic and ordinary arguments do not apply? And I wonder WHY - WHAT makes it work? What makes the difference? Will we ever find out? And when we do, will religion be abolished? Or - considering mankind NEEDS a deity, does that mean we will all go mad? Who knows.

:: 25Jun02 22:00 :: I'm annoyed with myself, for being so pathetically unenergetic.

:: 24Jun02 23:00 ::
A book, a plate of strawberries and a bed, what more could I ask for. It's been another one of those days, not achieved an awful lot (defrosted freezer tho). I have absolutely no energy. *sigh* Must be my period. I still love Michael Jackson tho, I know that :)

:: 23Jun02 22:45 :: *yawn* Today hasn't been the best day. I've done some work on Alain's site at least. Will be off to bed now. Am very tired. I wish I could be more creative these days. *yawn*

:: 23Jun02 17:40 :: OMG *rofl* Frigging hilarious. Play Russian Roulette with a Gimp (white mouthless type thing). Very very funny. *lol*

:: 23Jun02 12:00 :: I just forced myself to listen to Haendel's Sarabande again - it's the "tune of my dad's death" because we played it at the cremation and also listened to it loads during that one week. It has made me realise that I am still in the 'disbelief' stage (while my mum is already on the 'guilt trip'). I still cannot quite grasp that we're gonna have to live life without him. Forever. How is that supposed to work?
      I guess I could force myself to switch back into MJ mode now. Maybe I should, I dunno. This will be reality everyday once I return to Luxbg. No escaping into an illusionary world. I'm dreading it.

:: 23Jun02 11:10 :: God I'm so friggin MJ-obsessed you would not believe! Just realised that the Paddington "finger pic" MUST go in my Hands section btw. Er anyway, obsession, yeah. Physically, spiritually, intellectually... I am obsessed. Michael Michael everywhere. And that's good right? I mean right now I can truly say "I don't know where I'd be without him". I mean, I know where, but I don't know how.
      I've considered the idea of MJ as a substitute for my dad - as far as inspiration etc goes. They are so different it's freaky. So why not 'take' from Michael what I couldn't get from my dad? He wasn't perfect after all and neither is Michael, but if you combine the right aspects of the two, you get pretty close. *lol*

:: 22Jun02 23:55 :: Slept all afternoon, tired again. Or still? Productivity: nil. Had so many plans. *yawn* See you tomorrow.

:: 22Jun02 14:25 :: I've tidied my room, woohoo. And done some of my laundry. And had a nice bath. And now I should work on Alain's website, but somehow I am tired. *yawn* Think I'll go for a quick nap.

:: 21Jun02 23:25 :: America is such a fucking stupid country! And full of stupid people and with a completely idiotic legal system! No offence to any Americans reading this, but, aaargh! I just watched this show Jackass, which mainly consists of doing crazy stunts/jokes in public. Obviously a major part of the fun is gauging people's reactions. But here passers-by are blanked out - I suppose because they are not meant to be seen while being made fun of!? Because they might sue *lol* So what's the bloody point!?
      That's the same as microwave manuals saying "do not put animals in microwave" because otherwise stupid Americans WILL do it, and then when their kitty dies they fucking sue the microwave manufacturer because it didn't say in the manual that live creatures would die?! Or the salted peanuts bag which says "may contain traces of nuts" - why? Because FUCKING MORONIC Americans with nut-allergy can sue otherwise!
      Sorry but it just PISSES me off! This also applies to the IDIOTS suing tobacco multis for their fucking lung cancer - I would be ASHAMED! Those people would need a big kick in the arse to go with their lung cancer, and not millions of dollars. God it's so despicable it makes me puke!

:: 21Jun02 9:25 :: Aaaaaargh England are out!!! *sob* Darnit darnit darnit! *grrr* Well I just hope Germany won't win, that's all. Go Brazil go!!!!! *lol*

:: 20Jun02 22:15 :: Finally put the London report online. I miss it BTW. Still not depressed - can even look at my dad's pic without crying. Thanks Michael - thanks for THAT too! And all the other things. :) Might do some e-mailing now. Might just go to bed. Byeeee!

:: 20Jun02 8:45 :: I'm still on my MJ high at the moment and depression hasn't set back in so far, which is great, a good feeling. I'm still wearing black and I was thinking earlier, I don't feel like going black anymore. I probably will again when I come back from Lux. Must book flight for that today. Also sort days off at job. Working full-time again today but after that I will finally have the time to do the things I have put off for WEEKS now. There is still Alain's website - MUST do that this week-end. Also have to start working on dissertation if I wanna finish it. My mum's kinda like "oh you know it doesn't matter" but I do wanna try at least. I had 65% on my 2nd essay! (68 on the 1st). It would be such a waste. I have an appointment with my supervisor this morning to tell them about my dad. People at my job said I should, cuz I "shouldn't underestimate what's ahead of me". Hmph. OK, must be off, work in 15 mins!

:: 19Jun02 4:15 :: Phew, just a shorty to tell everyone I am back from London, and this was definitely the most awesome MJ trip I've had so far (which obviously means, the most awesome trip full stop). The week-end was fantabulous, amazing, incomparable, MJ is God. *lol*
      I dunno if I'll do a full report on it all, I don't think I will tbh. Those who are interested can read them all over the message-boards and other people's sites (go to Michelle's site for a detailed report of what we did until Sunday). Totally blown away anyway, esp. by what he said at the party and his mad antics at the demo (that man is insane, and that's a fucking compliment!!!!!). Way to go Michael! God I still can't believe it, it was totally surreal. How lucky are we! :D *big mad grin*
      I also had the greatest time with the other fans, met lots of cool new people and lots of cool old friends. Just fab. Afraid I didn't get to meet everyone from the boards (sob), BUT the most important ones I did... so me is happy. And me loves me BML! :)
      OK I'm off to bed again now. I was so knackered when I got back, so right after work I fell into bed (at 17:30!). Woke up at 3:00, but now I'd better get a few more hours' sleep. With an average of 3hrs a night for 5 days, I think I need some more time to catch up. I'll put up the pictures tomorrow tho (for the LAST one check Live). Well some of them. Many I am not allowed ;)

:: 13Jun02 14:35 :: Wow, life can be bearable sometimes! I feel pretty ok now and am looking forward to London, to the people and to MJ. I will be off in a minute, so this is to say that there will be no updates until Sunday night or even Monday... but it don't really matter cuz 75% of the people who read this diary on a regular basis will be in London too! CAN'T WAIT MY BABIES!!!! :)

:: 12Jun02 21:35 :: This is where my dad lies now. It's beautiful and peaceful, right? It's very near where we live. And there's a pond, he loved ponds.
      First day back at work today, it was ok. I spent quite a lot of time talking about my dad tho, mostly with my colleague who lost her brother a short while ago. It helped I guess. Just made me feel a little less lonely for a while.
      I wonder why I am so bad today. Is it because I am back in England, on my own, somewhere where no one is really bothered about my wonderful dad? Or maybe because I am back with the old routine and it has made his death more real? But tbh it is still unreal.
      Sorry to be whingeing again. You'll have to bear with me. And wasn't it that depressing diaries get a lot more readers?

:: 12Jun02 12:45 :: I feel pretty horrid. When's this gonna get better? Can't go on like this. *sob* Plus my seat at the MJNI party is row 9. That sucks too if you ask me. Freakin row 9! *sigh* I don't even feel like going anymore. Tell me this will get better before the end of the day! Wanna go home to my mummy! :( I sound pathetic uh? Well fuck you.

:: 11Jun02 14:15 :: OK, the MJ update is done. Did I tell you that I bought a tripod? A big one, it was only 29 Euro and it's SO light and nice and easy to use. Well chuffed. Will use it now to take piccies. It's raining BTW, I hate the rain.

:: 11Jun02 11:45 :: Two things about wearing black, one good and one bad. The good one is that I don't have to worry about my hair colour staining my clothes. The bad one is that if you pile up your clothes on a chair (like I do), it all looks like one big black mess and it's impossible to make out where one piece of clothing ends and the next begins. So everytime you get dressed, you have to pick the pile apart to find the piece you were looking for.
      I am not feeling too bad today. Or, let's say, I am well pissed off cuz MJ is in London already and I'm not there, so that sorta takes up my negative energy. Will be leaving very very early tomorrow tho and say hi. *lol* Then I must move on to Cov & go to work - AND go to that sodding dissertation seminar!!!!
      Er anyway. I have stolen an MJ questionnaire from Vega's site (she got it from KOP, so it ain't really hers ;) which I will now put on my MJ section. I also have other questions from a survey I did for a guy a while back, guess I'll put those on too. So that's for the MJ section update I wanted to do ages ago. Oh and then I will do a couple of photos as a tribute to my dad. I hope they won't be tasteless, I'll try to put them on here too. We didn't take enough photos of him - and the ones I took I can't find. *grrr*

:: 10Jun02 23:00 :: I thought of writing about something other than my dad, but I wouldn't know what, so you'll have to bear with me. Then again I don't even know what to write about him. I dunno how I feel or how this will go on. There are times where I am barely depressed, and I feel almost guilty, and then there are times when I feel like... well it made me think of Charles Baudelaire's 'Spleen': quand le ciel bas et lourd pèse comme un couvercle... - the sky pressing down on you like a heavy lid. A very oppressing and claustrophobic feeling, which seems even harder to bear because you don't quite know how to get out of it. Usually it ends with a 'liberating' outburst of tears. But most of the time I think I am still unable to grasp the reality of his death. Sometimes it strikes me, triggered by some trivial fact like seeing a purse I was supposed to return to him, or hearing a line in a song which I know would make him chuckle. But it passes. And maybe the 'non-realisation' is a way of protecting yourself from the full extent of grief.
      I thought of doing a slight redesign of the site to get rid of the all too bright pages (like this one), but I dunno if it's worth it. I have decided to go black for a while tho. In this country we don't really 'have' to, and I know he wouldn't expect it of me (tho he would be flattered if I insisted), but that's how I feel. God I still can't believe it. And I will be off to bed now, there is much to do tomorrow. And I have to get up at 5.00am on Weds. MJ is in London already, how dare he, while I am stuck here. Will be popping over for a quick hello tho before I go to Cov (for a day)... geez, all the stress. I'm glad my mum doesn't know how much I will be racing around this week, she's mega-protective at the moment cuz (understandably) she doesn't wanna lose me too.

:: 08Jun02 12:45 :: Here is me on my quest back to normality. I've finally finished the SexGod update (remember? I was gonna do that last week-end. Then I thought I'd upload it this week-end cuz I'd be back in England by now)... it's very strange, retrospectively I think we knew he'd die... I had that weird dream and cried the whole week after I'd learnt he was in hospital, even tho he'd been so many times before. And altho I told myself I'd come down to support my mum until he was better, I think it was in fact because I wanted to say good-bye. Still I was convinced he'd make it.
      Anyway. I must move on, I will too. I thought of setting up a tribute site and maybe I will, but I am not ready for it yet. Thing is, he was such an amazing person and he touched so many people. The reactions we got from others, all saying how much he meant to them and how this-and-that could not have happened/evolved/improved without him... it makes me very very proud of him. Makes me think "Damn he was cool" - and it also makes me appreciate that we had him. He was ours and nobody else's. Obviously it means we are the ones crying the most now. But we were also very lucky (and it's funny that I feel this way now cuz I used to think 'damn, everyone else gets the clever, helpful, intelligent, funny etc person, and we also get the moody, complicated, fussy etc version of him').
      Eeenyway, as I said it is now time to get back to normal. I have bought rollerblades, also got myself a new cover for my Simi (my mobile). I will do a questionnaire now for the site and do some e-mailing. I'm listening to Destiny's Child too instead of Haendel, or Mozart's Requiem, or Brel. Woopee-doo.

:: 04Jun02 13:45 :: I've been told I should write sth in here to explain. I guess I should. My dad died yesterday at 10.45am. That's what's "over". He was an amazing, wonderful person and right now I have no clue how life will go on without him. But I guess it will. We'll never stop missing him tho. Never. Thanks to everyone who expressed their support BTW.

:: 03Jun02 12:30 :: It's over. :(

:: 01Jun02 21:15 :: My site is back cuz I've just realised I submitted it to a number of search engines and recently updated my meta tags & all... but I may not update for a while. I may tho. I will see. Life goes on after all. I've decided to keep up my plans for the bank holiday too, even tho I'm in Lux now and not in Cov. Gotta keep yourself occupied.

read on > May 2002