D I A R Y
- September 2002 -

:: 30Sep02 23:15 :: YOUNGER ROLE MODELS :: Great. I got myself a new speaker system with a subwoofer a while back. The subwoofer sits on the floor, as it should. My mum sleeps in a room right below mine. She can hear (feel?) the bass thru her ear plugs when she's in bed. So here I am listening to my mp3s on headphones. Good quality headphones, but still. *sigh*

     Yeah, younger role models, let me mention a few... Pink. Brandy. Alicia Keys. Destiny's Child. Kelly Osbourne. Is it weird to have role models who are younger than yourself? Does it mean you refuse to grow up? Or does it mean you're 'in touch' with what's going on in younger 'generations' (hum)? Personally I'm not ashamed of looking up to people who are younger than me, but it's a weird feeling all the same. It's like I've realised I'm stuck somewhere and will never get any better than I am now. I can only decline.

     OK that might be overdoing it. But I will never get where those people are. It's not like I could say "well that's where I wanna be when I'm their age" cuz I'm past their age & I've lost my chance. I'll never become like they are. Not like that was the point of it - I wouldn't wanna be famous, and I never wanna be a mum like Brandy, but the bits about them I find impressive I can only keep admiring and that's it.

     BTW in that context, I'd just like to mention the wonderful Grudge again for a change. I know she'd probably go "no you don't wanna be like me, it sucks!!!", but she has something that totally amazes me. She has this FUCKING cool insight into things. I'd marry her off the spot *lol*. And she can be so funny when she feels like it. No one makes me laugh like her. How come so many morons think they are so cool when truly cool people like Grudge don't realise how cool they are?!

:: 29Sep02 13:55 :: TEACHING ANECDOTES :: OK I was by far a funnier pupil than my class is. OK, one of them made me giggle. They had these 'situations' where they were supposed to make up sth to say, such as your friend has a headache, make useful suggestions - "why don't you take an aspirin and go to bed." There was one your brother has just won £100.000 in the lottery and most went "why don't you take a trip around the world and get yourself a new car", except this one girl who said "That's great! Why don't you share it with your lovely sister?" *g* I thought that was quite funny.

      But hell I was a LOT funnier! *lol* I just went thru some old papers of mine & the remarks I used to make are hilarious (sorry, can't help pointing that out!). Like, this once, I wrote: "if you find the same word on [my neighbour]'s paper, I haven't copied from her, I swear! She didn't know the word either!" *rofl* Obviously the teacher replied "how do you know?" *ggg*

      And this other time I didn't know any of the vocabulary (well I knew one). The words were: kindeys :: fragrance :: stroke :: by-pass :: rash. Funny thing is, they were almost all medical terms, but I didn't even get THAT! So I wrote (we had to make a sentence with the words):

  • Last month I saw some kidneys.
  • They do not have any fragrance
  • [the strokes one I got right]
  • I didn't see anything, I just passed by quickly.
  • I was astonished when I saw him rashing last Monday. :/

And yes, I did actually put the little smiley!!! The teacher wasn't very impressed and wrote "hadn't you better learn your vocabulary?" :P Good old Mr. Weyland. He never really liked me, strangely enough. Another time I put another one of those "meaningless" sentences and wrote in brackets "as you can see I have no idea what it means." *lol*

:: 27Sep02 19:35 :: KYOOOOTE :: My pigs are the sweetest things!!! I have Lucy running around in the bathroom now since it's unfair to have her locked in the cage most of the time. I tried to leave the door open and just block it with a bit of cardboard so that she'd get fresh air & not feel so lonely. Obviously that resulted in great mayhem with hormones flowing and pigs squeaking. Charlie soon found out what the way to his beloved was and it took him only about 3 attempts to surmount the problem (cardboard) in his way. *g* When I grabbed him to put him back into the hall he tried to run away in his usual fashion, but his little feet slipped on the tiled floor so he wasn't getting anywhere! It was SO adorable!

:: 27Sep02 23:25 :: RAMPFLOBLURGHAAA :: I'm very tired and kinda drunk. I've passed the 1st part of the preliminary exams to get into the teaching thing. Now there's only 11 of us left for 8 posts - and I'm kind of expecting I won't be among the last 3. That would be quite embarrassing. So I'm a bit more relaxed in that respect.

      I've done two CSS styles for Tobias' website (Rainbow and Li-La-Laune, choose from the drop-down menu on the bottom left) - it was kinda fun, btw I used my Paris headscarves for the background graphics. Also been to dinner with Gaby & my nan, and then had another bawling crisis on my way home so I went to the crematorium; 1st time in weeks.

     S'better now tho, my downloads are doing fine, I'm having this awesome rate for Gosford Park so I've gotta stay online. Romeo Must Die is almost done, too. Me, illegal downloads? Never! :P

:: 27Sep02 00:55 :: FREE SPEECH :: I do not deserve to be in Michelle's Free Speech Clique cuz I just edited something out of that previous entry which I thought people might find too shocking or distasteful. Silly really.

:: 27Sep02 00:40 :: FUCK :: I've changed the layout as you can see, tho you can't really call this a layout. It's cuz I'm SOOOO pissed off at what's going on Iraq-wise, I am on this complete anti-US trip, it makes me so mad I wanna scream! I was listening to their bloody hypocritical justification for their fucking idiotic anti-Iraq campaign earlier today, and I got this really eerie feeling. I may be wrong but I think it won't be a week before the attack starts. The air smells of war, the atmosphere is the same as it was before the strike against Afghanistan. You can tell when the US get into the final stage of their brainwashing. I am in fact so angry that I may move my big lazy butt and get active. Fucking bastards. Hypocritical shit-heads. Harrrrumph!

      Note for the morons among my readers, who I hope are few: I do not support the Iraqi government or Saddam Hussein! I don't think that leader is terribly beneficial for that country. However, that does not justify America's attack which is just another example of their opportunistic foreign policy.

:: 25Sep02 19:40 :: EEK!! :: Shit my vision is all stripey!! At first I thought it was the monitor, but it's wherever I look!!!! Okay that's just freaky! I don't like seeing freaky things! The voices in my head are bad enough. (lol ok that was just a cheap Grudge-copy cuz I've just read her diary and she mentioned sth similar). BTW,Hijo de la Luna is a beautiful and touching song/story.

:: 25Sep02 19:30 :: MOTHERFUCKER :: LOL thought I'd write that just cuz I can. You get so used to all the censorship on EZboards (and other forums) that you end up misspelling swear words even on your own site - you know, fu.ck and sh!t and ar$e & stuff like that. So here goes: shit fuck arsehole piss whore cunt. I am well pissed off at my shitty download rates BTW - and I get even more annoyed when all the little bastards who download from me get dream rates like 20kbs and I'm stuck with bloody 3.5 or sth. Then when you cancel them out of frustration they're back within a minute, little buggers.

:: 25Sep02 13:30 :: ANOTHER DAY WASTED :: I really oughta be off now. I'd planned to prepare a vocabulary sheet for my class this morning, instead I surfed & watched Hackers (which is kinda cliché & exaggerated in parts, but cool in others). Now I'm supposed to head off to school & the bookshop & my nan & I'm still sat here at my PC. *ugh* Will disappear in a minute tho. It's raining again too, ugh I should I've gone to see my horsey yesterday cuz we had the most gorgeous (albeit freezing) weather.

:: 25Sep02 01:00 :: RESOLUTIONS PART III :: Remember the resolutions from my Cardiff visit? And the re-assessment from a few weeks back? I've just been thinking about it again. I was right when I said " I've always been pretty good at going along with the flow of whatever life brought my way". I am coping with the new situation (teaching! big thing! my new job! this is what I'll probably be doing for the rest of my life!) - so far I haven't had a fit screaming that I can't take it and I'm quitting or whatever. But I've also realised that I'm only doing what people are making me do. I only ring my nan when I know I can't get around it. I fail to get in contact with friends, to return their calls or e-mails, to visit them, even tho I keep promising. I even ended one friendship cuz I just couldn't be arsed anymore, and I haven't been in contact with Anikó for months!

      Maybe that'll change too, I dunno. These are the things no one will force me to do, so either I will get back in contact with these people myself or... I won't. LOL. I should. Many of these people mean a lot to me. I wish I had the energy to get in touch. Hey life?!

:: 23Sep02 23:00 :: Rien de nouveau.

:: 23Sep02 06:50 :: BUNDESTAGSWAHL II :: *phew*

:: 22Sep02 22:40 :: PINK :: is hot. Not nearly as hot as my Goddess Angelina, but she's pretty good-looking anyway, and I love her voice. Very sexy. She's cool too. BTW this girl in my class is cool too, she's my secret role model - she sorta dresses like I used to 5 years ago, but cooler, and has cooler hair too and she's only 16! And my friend says she was like that when she was 13 too. I wish I could tell her how cool she is, but I guess you're not supposed to as a teacher. Maybe once she's finished school :)

:: 22Sep02 18:30 :: GERMAN BUNDESTAGSWAHL :: First results... I finally connected my TV card today so I can watch it as I write. I am scared. I hope Red-Green will make it. It really means a lot to me, mainly because of the Left-Right balance within the EU - which is SERIOUSLY tending towards the Right at the moment. And also because of the attitude towards the US - what Stoiber thinks in that respect makes me PUKE!!!!

:: 22Sep02 15:10 :: CLUTTERED :: I wonder what my environment tells about me. My room I mean. I hate empty spaces, my walls and shelves and everything else is full of stuff. Look:

Cluttered right? Yeah, so this is my room. I guess my mind is sorta similar. Messed up LOL. I don't necessarily mean that in a "mentally fucked up" way - I'm just disorganised. You know, I have 100 things on my mind, I wanna start new things all the time but never finish them, or get bored before even starting. I consider doing things & then change my mind. I have contradictory opinions of myself and my life and don't know which ones are right. But anyway, I like my room that way. :D

:: 21Sep02 13:30 :: TIME FOR A GOOD OLD RANT :: I know it's pointless, but FUCK George Bush! DAMN the US foreign policy & general politics! I ain't gonna go on about this or anything, everything worth saying has been said by other people, but I just wanna make it very clear that I despise everything that government is doing, it seriously upsets me to think about it and it scares me to think where we are heading. When will anyone ever put an end to their recklessness, arrogance, primitivity and plain stupidity? And how? *sigh*

:: 21Sep02 9:30 :: RESOLUTIONS :: I kinda feel like starting a new layout for this thing, maybe feat. Angelina Jolie. But I know I won't stop till it's done then which means I won't get anything else done all day... so I'm not sure. I could also do some of the "100 things about me" that I thought I might want to do... but I should in fact write e-mails. *sigh* Oh and go shopping again, there's another book I might need. I bet there's nothing on telly at this time of day. I wish I wasn't so lethargic. Oh yeah, tidy room, that was another resolution. Oh ok then. Need loud music. DAMN my diary entries are boring! :/

:: 20Sep02 23:50 :: SOME OF THEM :: My cursor has a shadow!! You know, on XP. I've only just noticed that and I think it's pretty cool. I wonder if XP will add the shadow to any cursor or if it's part of the default ones. Hang on... aah, it adds it. Very groovy.

      I know I haven't done a proper update in freaking ages. Hey I've done a new page full of guinea-pigs tho :D Aren't (weren't) they all EVER so sweet?? *yawn* ok whatever I'm off to bed now, I think I'll try to take a sleeping pill or sth. Insomnia's a bitch :(

:: 19Sep02 21:00 :: YEAH YEAH YEAH :: I suppose you're all expecting some sort of "school report" (LOL you know what I mean). I'm quite knackered, but anyway, it wasn't too bad. They're quite a sweet class. I never thought I could find a bunch of teenage loudmouths endearing, but they can be. I think we'll get along. It will be weird tho and I haven't yet prepared anything for tomorrow so I really should move my butt. I totally feel like collapsing into bed tho. which is what I'll do now I think. I could just do grammar revision with them instead I guess. *hehe*

:: 17Sep02 20:30 :: Lessons learned - HUMILITY & LOVE :: I finally looked for the codec for my Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon audio today and ended up watching the whole film again (I suppose that WAS the idea behind downloading it, but not TODAY - er anyway). Interesting how the lesson I drew from it tonight was quite different from the original one. Humility would be today's - and it is especially striking how today I see Li Mu Bai and Shu Lien as the role models far more than Lyu Jen (or whatever her name is, Zhang Ziyi). Being the strongest (and quasi invincible) is not worth much if you don't know what to do with your strength - damn I can't help thinking of today's situation with the US.

      Something else I've found again today... I love a good love story, but I can't help seeing love as a purely ideal, fictional thing. It's beautiful, I love reading & 'aawww'ing & crying over it but I would never transpose it back into real life. It wouldn't work. Fiction gives us a nice (but selective) summary of human habits - so it makes even love seem appealing. And above all, it's idealising and idealistic. Fictional love truly moves me, but I would never try to imagine it as a part of reality.

      And even if some people, like my grandparents for instance, can give me an example of a true love worth living for, I can only appreciate it in a purely fictional, hypothetical way. It is not sth worth striving for because the chance of finding true love is so tiny, at such a high cost, and it's so much effort that it belongs in the realm of dreams and ideals. At least that's how I see it, and I don't regret that. I don't pine for that perfect love because my ratio tells me it's just an illusion. And I don't envy those who believe to have found that ideal love (that's what seems hardest to understand for the 'believers') because to me it's only a temporary thing, which in 80% of cases will end in frustration and disillusion.

:: 15Sep02 21:50 :: HATE THE WORLD AND... :: Oh yeah, and something else I hate, apart from the whole fucking world: Amazon the bastards! So I ordered these things WEEKS ago, HEAPS of things, £99 worth in fact, some books for school too, so it was pretty important and I thought it would be quicker to order online than at our local bookstore (and was made to believe so too, cuz the bookstore said three weeks and Amazon said 1-2 days). OK, I wait a week or sth like that, start wondering, check my order online, nothing, keep waiting, then I get a mail saying one of the books will take 4-6 weeks to get hold of. Well FUCK you.

      I ring my friend and find out this is the least important of HER two, so I cancel that and keep waiting for the order. NOW I'm told ANOTHER of the school books will take another 2-3 weeks (this is the one I need), but that at least they've shipped the rest of the freakin' order (non-school stuff). So there's still one school book missing and I BETCHA I'll get a message in a few day's time that it'll take longer for THAT one too! DAMN SODS! Can't they find out earlier, and all in one go, and anyway, why don't they say so on their freakin' website?!?! Aaargh!!! *grrrr*

:: 15Sep02 21:38 :: HATE THE WORLD :: I'm feeling particularly misanthropic right now. Nobody better get in my way. If anyone knows a remedy, please let me know.

:: 15Sep02 11:48 :: 100 UNKNOWN THINGS ABOUT MYSELF :: Everyone's doing it! Michelle started it, then Sara caught on, and now Dorin has started. I think it's really cool, but SO much work. Dorin & Sara are doing it in sections. I might do that too. LOL tho I SHOULD do other stuff instead :|

:: 15Sep02 11:30 :: FEATURED LINK :: Go here: Freak Watchers Textbook - it's very funny :P

:: 15Sep02 10:30 :: GLOBAL VILLAGE :: The Net is a small place after all (sort of). I was just wandering thru personal websites and came across Shedoodles - she used to be hosted on the same provider as my first Clarissacam page! It was a really small community back then and we were all chatting on their boards - there were mainly guys and they were behaving like teenagers around us girls, teasing each other that they were flirting and stuff. Gonna have to drop Shedoodles a note :)

      Actually it's funny how the Net DOES seem to be composed of many small communities, especially the personal sites. OK so many sites are in hundreds of cliques and link to loads of people, but if I look at our little community (which I daresay I am part of), we all seem to know each other, link to each other, mention and read each other, and you could easily go full circle when surfing thru our sites and never leave the little group. Which doesn't mean we don't link to other people too of course. Just that some people are always recurring. I like that feeling, weirdly enough - not very cosmopolitan. *lol* But I'm always open to new experiences - hence WanderLust :)

:: 14Sep02 14:30 :: BOOOOOM!!! :: OMG you people all have to get Winamp 3 (if you don't already have it) and then download the totally funkylicious BOOM skin - the absolutely most amazing thing since the beginning of the Internet!!! *thud* The animations, the little tricks, the box... WOW! Just get it ok!?!

:: 12Sep02 13:15 :: 9/11 WORDS :: rubble :: debris :: billowing smoke

:: 12Sep02 11:00 :: MY TRUE TALENT :: is spatial ability apparently. LOL - isn't that what women are supposed to be so bad at? That's why I'm so good at getting into tiny parking spaces. Here's their explanation:
      This ability to visualize objects in three-dimensional space can give you a unique view of the world. You appear to understand how figures can be manipulated and take on new forms. Because of this talent, you can probably imagine new designs easily, including anything from floor plans to page layouts — and even 3D product prototypes.
      People like you are usually great when it comes to putting together assemble-it-yourself furniture or other household items — whether the items arrive with instructions or not. Your spatial skills can also help you understand the finer points of how things work.
      Um, right. *g* Gotta put my spatial ability into practice soon and assemble Goliath. *g* BTW, if you want to know your true talent, off you go!

      Oh, and I got this test from Vega's site, which yet again has a funky new layout, and cool new sections too :) And a few more to come - can't wait for the clothes ones!! :D Oh, and she agrees with my 9/11 entry too :)

:: 11Sep02 21:15 :: 9/11 - THE ALTERNATE VIEW :: Wow, well we can't say we didn't have enough 9/11 coverage today. It was almost as if it had only happened a few days ago. A bit tiring when you see the same repetitive images for the 187th time. But that's not the only plight I have. The attack on Iraq seems as good as decided, Bush doesn't give a shit about what the rest of the world thinks of it, and what struck me most as I watched the rememberance stuff today is that the world still has not learnt. Neither side has of course, and neither side will (I'm sorry I can't help the cynicism) - that's what humans are about and that will never change. Vengeful, stubborn, self-righteous, the whole lot of them. It may sound paradoxical to some of you from an atheist's mouth, but if we all lived by Christian standards, the world would indeed be a much better place. For what is the Bible but an attempt to teach us some manners? Compassion, forgiveness, love - there is a point to the New Testament, and that applies even if (and especially if) one does not believe it is the word of God. And the funny thing is that those who scream the loudest that God will bless their country, live by it the least.

      That's one thing. The other is the hypocrisy of this whole attitude. Yes 9/11 was horrible and pointless, and each life lost is a tragedy. But most of you with your compassion must be aware that you wouldn't make nearly as much of a fuss if these were a few thousand people killed in a civil war in Africa, or in the bombardments of Afghanistan. Or, indeed, the Palestinians suffering - whose horrifying and humiliating condition is one of the reasons for the anger felt in the Arab world. Let me quote the end of an article by Robert Fisk from today's Independent:

      There are double standards at work here. George Bush can rightly condemn the killing of Israeli university students as making him "mad", but blithely brush off the slaughter of Palestinian children by a bomb dropped from a US-made Israeli plane as "heavy handed". Yet it's not just the pitiful remarks of President Bush, but the double standards of whole peoples. Here's what I mean. Today, 11 September, our newspapers and our television screens are filled with the baleful images of those two towers and their biblical descent. We will remember and honour the thousands who died. But in just five days' time, Palestinians will remember their September massacre of 1982. Will a single candle be lit for them in the West? Will there be a single memorial service? Will a single American newspaper dare to recall this atrocity? Will a single British newspaper commemorate the 20th anniversary of these mass killings of 1,700 innocents? Do I even need to give the answer?

(Thanks to Noura for the article. Click here for the whole thing.)

:: 11Sep02 10:15 :: 9/11 :: I guess one has to say something? OK, today is 9/11. *ahem* That's it. If you want more rememberance and stuff, read my entry from the 7th. I'm a geek btw. *lol*

:: 11Sep02 0:45 :: MY BIRTHDAY :: I got up in the early hours of the morning... rofl ok, seriously, I woke up at freaking 6.45 and because I was so desperate and curious to see my present from Katja & Tobias, I decided to get up & collect it from the post office, even tho it was faaaar too early for anyone half sensible. So I got up, went and collected, and it was a fucking cool Tomb Raider 3-DVD-pack (my 1st DVD ever!!! :)). Watched that for a while, then went to return my 'wrong' modem (wahey, they took it back, so I bought fab new speakers instead!), got new modem, and then the rest of the morning was SHIT. DSL STILL refused to work, and their freaking help desk was impossible to reach, my speakers wouldn't install, one of my birthday threads turned nasty, plus my dad's mum's home rang to say that she's really bad, refusing to eat and drink and that she'd die soon... so there I was, mightily pissed off, ranted and raved to my mum once she'd returned from work (poor thing), thought it could only get worse (and that it was an omen)...

      But it didn't, and it wasn't, and after noon everything became cool. I got thru to the help desk, we found the problem (silly me), I managed to configure the speakers, the nasty-turned thread evolved into what will hopefully become the end of a long tiresome fight, and I got my way with some people :D :D :D Spent all afternoon and night online (DAMN that addictive DSL, DAMN!), tho I also managed to install most of the important stuff on Mikey (yes Mikey!). Tomorrow I will do some serious stuff. No honest! LOL

:: 10Sep02 7:45 :: DND :: If you would please excuse me. I must drool over Lara Croft.

:: 09Sep02 18:20 :: SIGH :: No DSL till tomorrow. Don't ask. :| Installation, here I come.

:: 09Sep02 13:20 :: MY NEW TOY :: I got my new baby, er I mean my PC. He is sooo freakin cool so you'll have to have some pics. :D

 
He's cute right? :D WinXP is pretty intimidating, as is the prospect of installing all my stuff on it again. There's actually quite a lot of it already... the usual stuff - but there's more to come. My mouse, printer, digicam, Eudora, PSP, KaZaA.... and then all the stuff I never reinstalled on this one after the last Windows Reinstall, and that I can't wait to use again... I'll be at it all afternoon. *lol* Not to mention the DSL modem - the guy's currently here (how funny, he's someone from my primary school class!) - and then the fun can start! I'm still on my old PC at the moment of course - which reminds me that I must also burn all that stuff onto CD :| Guess I can do that while I install stuff on my new one. Who needs a name still, incidentally. Maybe Mikey? :D

:: 08Sep02 21:20 :: TAKING SIDES :: I got thinking about this earlier... in relation to Moby and Eminem in fact, tho I could cite many more examples. Say you're a fan of an artist, and that artist has some kind of grudge against another artist, must you then as a good fan dislike that other artist too? There are artists that seem to expect that (Moby sure isn't one of them). Artists like Axl Rose for instance who hate on anyone and everyone - so inevitably you end up as a fan of no other artist if you like him? How silly. MJ fans are very good at that too - "must hate everyone who dislikes MJ" (ok so I had a go at Moby when he criticised Mike, but I got over it *hehe*).

      The same thing goes for friendships. If two of your friends have a row, do you have to side with one of them? Of course not (well if you think one of them is totally wrong of course you should tell them). I remember when two of my friends split up I was stuck between them and each would bitch to me about the other - that was bad enough, but imagine if they'd both have asked me to stop talking to the other!? Some people do that tho and I just don't get it. How can they be so self-centred as to ask that of anyone? I seriously hate that sort of emotional black-mailing, it's despicable - and in the end not very self-serving either. I've known more than one person to do that. Robert the bastard was one of them in fact, and he's stuck with next to no friends now. Serves him right.

:: 07Sep02 22:40 :: DAYUM! MJ, FANSHIP... and 9/11 :: God I'm so bored. I was gonna write about Bush and Iraq but I can't be arsed, so I thought I'd write about MJ instead cuz it's a year today that I arrived in NYC. That trip had quite an impact on my life, I got to know some very cool people, got back into the MJ world which is what dominates my online life again at the moment, I got a job cuz of my debts (and ended up with lots of extra money ;) & despite 9/11 it was an amazing experience - and because of 9/11 it became intense, different, mind-shaping and uniting in a weird unexplainable kind of way. It was like being out of time, out of reality for a while. Watching a 9/11 documentary earlier I was reminded of the state we were all in... endlessly watching those reports, in disbelief before those images of people screaming, running... that impression of watching a Hollywood movie when faced with the images of the collapsing towers - as often as we've heard it, it was so true.

      Damn this was gonna be about MJ, not WTC. I've finally read BJ4L's diary entry inside the mind of an obsessed fan and it's not uninteresting. Not sure if I see it quite so bleakly... or if I feel able to judge since we know so little. But many of the things she says I agree with. I just don't see why it's such a big deal if he's 'used' his fans - after all we have a choice, he isn't forcing us to do anything, and if we support him it's out of loyalty and not because he's blackmailing us or whatever. OK so some of his fans may well be too easy to manipulate and you could say he's taken advantage of that... or, to put it less negatively, made the best of that. But at the end of the day I find it natural to support him because I am a fan, cuz that's what it's all about - not unlike being a friend. Could we really blame him for, well, trying to fight for his cause and use all the support he can get - i.e. mainly us? Guess that doesn't make him a saint, but I never came looking for a saint. That's just my personal take on things - what the 'sheep fans' do is a different matter altogether, but not my problem. *g*

:: 07Sep02 12:25 :: WARBLE :: Wow, no update for a full day! That's cuz my Cast page kept me busy... well and other stuff too, like shopping. *hehe* Haven't had my telly on for days, quite weird that. Went out for dinner with my mum last night, lots of crying over my dad, but it was good to not be crying on my own for once. I really have to start working for school, you know, preparing stuff or at least thinking about it. Damn my Internet addiction, damn! *g*

:: 05Sep02 17:05 :: TRIBUTE II & III :: First to the wonderful, incomparable and very amusing Montserrat Caballé - just cuz I got reminded of how cool she is while listening to the Barcelona CD. You've gotta hear her laughing - so cute! And her singing ain't too bad either. *g* I love her mastery of different languages too. That has also reminded me of my desire to introduce you to some of my fave music on here... like The Golden Boy, such an amazing song... bah. Once I have DSL.

      The other tribute is to Moby - again. Got reminded of him with the whole VMA-Eminem-Moby thing... read his latest journal entries and was impressed - again. He's just one fucking cool dude. He knows what he's talking about, he's informed, critical, clever, self-ironic, he shares my political views and he looks hella cute. I mean I like Eminem as an artist and even as a controversial figure - but he's an ignorant hypocritical shit-head. Might say more about that later.

:: 05Sep02 10:40 :: UNSTABLE PERSONALITY :: I've just re-read some old diary entries and realised I contradict myself quite a lot when talking about my feelings and what I want. Sometimes I'll say that being sociable requires a huge effort and is rarely enjoyable, then other days I find that it's often fun once I've picked myself up and gone somewhere. Maybe the "it's no fun" is just an excuse for not doing anything, because doing nothing is the easier option? I dunno, and I don't know what I want.

      I've also re-read all the resolutions I'd made after hitting rock-bottom in Cardiff, and found that I haven't come very far at all. I'm not as fucked up as I was back then, but not thru making an effort, only because time heals I guess. Slowly tho - and I'm still stuck with pretty much the same resolutions. Maybe it'll work by itself once my new rhythm of life forces me to comply with it - I've always been pretty good at going along with the flow of whatever life brought my way. But I might just be unable to get back to 'normal' after all - inapt for life. Just like my father is. I'm hella scared of becoming like him, and somehow I think I can feel it happening inside me, but I'm too weak, too lazy to fight against it. Such an effort. And that TOO is just like him. And maybe I use all of that as an excuse for my failure - hey, it's hereditary, nothing I can do about it. Which, again, is a weak thing to do, obviously.

      It's like going around in circles. And I know what those close to me (those who know my father) would tell me - that I have to fight. I wish I had the energy - hell I wish I had the desire! (does that make sense?)
      God I hope my students NEVER find this website. *lol*

:: 05Sep02 10:10 :: TRIBUTE :: Just remembered that today is Freddie Mercury's birthday! A minute of silence for a wonderful artist. God I loved him so much! Still admire him muchly. Must listen to some Freddie Mercury tracks today.

:: 05Sep02 10:00 :: ACTION IN MJ-LAND? :: Well well... something's brewing in the MJ world, hehe. Why does it always take me ages to click on the right threads? Anyway, there have been some interesting ominous announcements (read here if you're interested) and I hope they're true - tho I tend to think that MJ maybe gets glorified too much by some people?! I dunno. They keep telling us he's so smart and has got everything in control and will come out top, but I really wonder. So far it's only been going down down down - well apart from the "London announcement" high - but by the time of the NYC demo the triumph was already tainted by the press reactions and by Michael's exaggerations on the racism front - "playing the race card" as they called it. Not a clever move if you ask me, even tho he had a valid point. So how can he be so smart if he hadn't thought of those repercussions? And you can't tell me that was part of his plan?! Hehe, I hope I'll eat my words later. I really do. I don't want him to look ridiculous - or even be completely destroyed. :| Shamone Mike, show us what you can do!

:: 04Sep02 23:00 :: WEIRD :: I've started keeping a list of potential diary topics, and some of them I'll put down thinking "I REALLY need to write about that" and then later I don't care much anymore. My main problem is most of the time I feel ramble-inspired I end up chatting or doing anything but updating the diary. Or I'll be thinking 'must consider that some more' and then in the end the topic just wears me out.

      Three things. First and foremost, I have bought Dancing The Dream on eBay for only 12.50 Euros, I am WELL chuffed, insanely happy in fact. Secondly, I've found out I can sudddenly send texts from Lux on my English number, which means I can text me BML from here. That too has made me very very happy. I feel much closer to her now :) Me BMLLLLL!!! Finally, I have started working on a Cast page which should be online this time tomorrow.

:: 04Sep02 21:00 :: HMPH!! :: VEGA UPDATE YOUR DIARY!!!!! *bored*
LOL just read Sara's diary. Worked on squiZZ, but not on Vega. Hmph.

:: 04Sep02 18:00 :: SCREEN FILTER II :: Went to return my monitor filter this morning - what a freakin' hassle! I was sent from one person to the next until finally some dude agreed to have me exchange it against a 17" one... except the 17" one really was 17"!!! Well a BIT larger, but too small for my 19" monitor. Great. So now I have a 41 Euro voucher for PC stuff at Auchan. Ah well I'm sure I'll find SOMETHING. *lol*

      I've just spent £99 at Amazon... well, some of it was for school and about £25 was for a friend... but I bought all three available MJ DVDs and Elizabeth Wurtzel's Bitch... I am spending obscene amounts of money at the moment. It's like I'm thinking "right, finished my studies, still got some money on my savings account, must spend it all before getting my 1st proper salary. LOL. Which reminds me, must be off to my horsey now cuz I needa be back by 20.00 because of an eBay auction :D

:: 04Sep02 13:00 :: DEATH THE SECOND :: I keep getting drawn back to thoughts about my dad and his death and all that shit. Paris wasn't as hard as I'd thought (lots of memories there), but somehow I've had a bit of a low since (again), tho not as bad as before. I have been wondering about one thing... you know when he died, I mean when they put him in a coma, they made him believe it was only temporary, to stabilise him, and that he'd be back out a few days later... I mean, the last thing he said was "what about the weaning (off the machines)"... I mean I'm not sure what he really thought - he must have known he couldn't go on much longer like that, but I think he repressed it.

      And the question I'm asking is... was that a fair thing to do? Letting him believe he would live? Not giving him a chance to properly say good-bye to the world? We were still (sort of) hoping along with him, but I'm convinced the doctors knew that was gonna be his final coma (not his first, mind you). And I used to think (and kinda still do) that it was the right thing to do - you know, letting him die in hope. What would have been the point in telling him "that's it, say bye to your loved ones and be aware that this is the end of your life" - right?

      I'm not sure why I'm suddenly thinking it was unfair... it's as if we were cheating him - lying to him. It wouldn't have been any good, it would've been hurtful for him and for us, but some part of me keeps thinking we cheated him. Not sure of what. Isn't that weird? And am I wrong or right? Or - which part of me is right? And what would I want for myself? Maybe I wouldn't care, I dunno, but somehow I can't help thinking my dad deserved the truth. Probably silly. :/

:: 04Sep02 10:30 :: ANNIVERSARY - AND BRASSIERES :: Well not an exact anniversary, but I've just realised that I've been maintaining this diary for over 6 months now (first entry 24th Feb). That's pretty impressive by my standards (and short attention span). It's raining outside how depressing, but it doesn't really matter cuz if I go to the store I don't have to be outside at all. Get in the car in our garage, drive to the mall's underground car park and go to the store directly from there. Yay.

      BTW I went bra-shopping yesterday. Bras suck, they really do. They're so tight and uncomfortable when they 'fit', I don't like having something tied around my rib-cage. Funny that, there was a time when I wouldn't go outside without a padded bra cuz I hated my tiny boobs. *lol* Granted, I'm WAY bigger now than I was then, so I guess my tits have grown a bit too - see? One reason to not go on a diet. :| Anyway, bras suck, there. (and yes, that implicitly means that I don't wear bras - there, how's that for an intimate detail of my life? *g*)

      I might change my hair again. OK OK so everyone tells me it's such a fab colour, but I feel muchly inclined towards black hair with either red or purple highlights - two, one on each side. Germans, think Hanka from BB. *lol* I might also change the look of the site again. I've got something in mind...

:: 03Sep02 23:30 :: ARACHNOPHOBIA III... AND SMALLTALK :: I have lots of diary topics on my mind at the moment... well let's say I've been thinking about lots of things that I might share with ya in the next few days. Usual daily babble 1st tho, I had an introductory course for the teaching thing this morning (LOL, "the teaching thing" is funny - this is gonna be my job! Damn!), it was kinda boring so far... lots of "well, d'uh!" things being said. Hopefully the rest of the course will be more interestin. Only thing is, because our school was on hols & didn't forward our forms, we weren't registered so we'll be in an "extra group" in October (along with many others) - which means that in 2 weeks from now we'll be face to face with a class full of rebellious, disinterested, bored students without ANY prior guidance! *eek* OK OK I'll manage. :| I hope!?

      Er, anyway. I bought my new monitor today, it's pretty funky (and fucking HUGE!), but it was pretty harsh on the eyes so I had to buy a new 'filter'... I bought a 19" one, but funnily enough that's actually 21" and WAY too big for my monitor (which is 18.6", strictly speaking), so this is the interim solution - I'll return it & get a new (17"! LOL) one tomorrow. *sigh*

      Oh yeah, I had another spider experience today LOL. Spiders like to make their homes within the handles on the electric fences we have at my horsey's, and I tend to get very scared and paranoid about them (as does the owner, funnily enough. I thought you had to be immune to disgusting creepy crawley things in such a job). So today there was a particularly nice & big specimen sat 2 inches from where I was supposed to grab the handle, and obviously there was NO fucking way I'd open the fence with the monster there. So I started fussing around trying to get it to leave and my horsey (who's not too fond of electric fences anyway) was getting seriously worried - if I was scared of "the fence", of course he had to be too! *lol* So I was jumping around, shrieking, teasing the spider with a long stem, and he was behind me trying to pull away from the monstrous fence. *g*

      Once I'd finally managed to drop the spider to the ground and opened the gate, my horsey was so scared that he bolted thru in one big leap - too cute. *giggle* I bet if he'd known what I'd been scared of (and if he could express himself in a 'human way'), he'd shake his head at me. *rofl* I really can't help my phobia tho I swear!!! :|

:: 02Sep02 21:00 :: LITTLE THINGS :: OMG I never told you about the spider... you know, the one I'd 'killed' last Wednesday... ha, it wasn't dead at all, it had only been crushed ever so slightly on the soft (aargh!) carpet, despite the big book I'd thrown on the magazine (and stepped on it! *ahem*), so when Martine came to remove the 'corpse', it just got up and scuttled away. Eek! Luckily she caught it & threw it out the window. Aaargh! Hate them. And no, I feel absolutely no pity for it, even tho it had to stay curled up under a book for 4 days! Hmph.

      Oh BTW we had water in the house when we got back, just in two of the rooms downstairs, but it was a mess anyway. We'd had it before (YEARS ago) but then they'd installed a drain outside which solved the problem - until now. Hopefully the drain was only clogged up. Not nice anyway - carpets soaked (and reeking!!), muddy water (or dried mud) on the floor and underneath all furniture... ugh.

      In other news, I've found a nice 19" monitor to buy, I'll get it tomorrow, this one's definitely too small. Oh and I've taken an inventory of my Euro collection, I now have one from every country (the Greek one was the last one missing). It's pretty cool, my li'l Euro collection. :) I might take a picture later, just for the sake of it. Might also take some other pics. Now I must write some mails.

:: 02Sep02 14:45 :: MY LIFE & MY DEATH :: I'm downloading MJ at the VMAs so I have to stay online, but I can't find anything interesting to do, so I thought I'd update my diary again.

      I was gonna say something about how MY LIFE is supposed to go on. I've more or less lived in a bubble for the past few months, where time kinda stood still. I wasn't in contact with many of my friends, I spent much time reading or online or doing other 'asocial' stuff and I didn't really have to work much. I mean I had my part-time job in England but that was still kinda 'out of time'. And I'd promised myself I'd get back to 'real life' after Paris - which obviously I have to since I've gotta start my 'real' job, and I also must get back in contact with my friends. Some of them have called or texted already, asking where I'm at.

      So that's that - that's what I have to face now and I hope I can get a grip on life. No more hiding and no more escaping. In the long run I do want to get back out there and rediscover the life I had. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't hiding under my duvet all day - I have been out to see friends during all these months, I have been doing things - but they seemed to be more like an interruption of what my secluded life was or was meant to be. Coming out of my shell for a short while, enjoying myself even, cuz it wasn't always a pain. But going back inside the shell, or remaining inside it all the way, seemed like the more natural thing to do. That will have to change now obviously or I'll torture myself perpetually. So that's one thing.

      The bit about MY DEATH I came to think about yesterday. A girl on the train had left her baggage with us and said she'd get her sister, she'd be back soon. After almost an hour she still hadn't returned and my mum was suddenly convinced there was a bomb in the bag. She's very good at worrying, my mum. Anyway, it made me think about the possibility of death - what if there was a bomb in that bag, just 1m away from both of us, we'd both be torn to shreds (of course it was important that both of us would die. I couldn't face my life without my mum, and I know she wouldn't wanna live without me). And I found that I honestly didn't mind - as long as a quick and rather painless death is certain, I am not at all afraid of death. I don't think I'd welcome it - I do enjoy my life, even tho there has been much pain lately. I do have reasons to live for, people, my horse, many pleasures, but I am absolutely certain that after death there is nothing - and if there is nothing, there's nothing to be afraid of. I will not miss my friends, I will not kick myself for the missed opportunities, I will simply cease to be and that can't be so bad. I do not prefer that over life, but I'm not scared. In fact I simply don't care.

:: 01Sep02 22:30 :: PARIS LUXEMBOURG JACKSON :: Here I am, back from Paris. *phew* It was cool as always, it is simply impossible for a marvellous city like Paris to be boring. I took some 100 pictures and bought lots of stuff too... lemme try to list it: a Nana by Niki de Saint Phalle :: three second hand books :: a Zulu music CD :: a Rai CD :: a striped shirt :: a T-shirt from Etam :: two scarves :: a Buddha necklace :: a singing flower :: a tiny cow keyring :: some pigs for my mum's friend :: James Rizzi calendar :: James Rizzi Agenda :: some make up :: patchwork skirt :: colourful hat :: catalogue of Centre Pompidou. Some of this I might take pix of, and I may also put some digipics of Paris online.

      Other than that, I am bothered and preoccupied with the current MJ-MTV VMA story, which obviously I didn't hear much about while I was there (big hugs & thanks to WireDee). I'll try to work out what was going on tomorrow. To be honest it does sound to me like it could all have been one big misunderstanding (or prank?) that everyone tried to cover up (for a while)... it all depends on what MJ's camp was told before the Awards, I doubt he would've turned up only to receive a Birthday Cake. Poor Britney tho, I'm sure she's totally innocent. Very annoying anyway.

      Tomorrow's basically my last holiday, meaning I will have to become grown-up & mature starting Tuesday. My real life will begin and I will have to go thru some serious changes. I have not yet decided what to do with my life but I guess I'll give it some thought over the next fortnight... and I'll keep you informed. LOL. Martine will be coming over now for 20 minutes, so I'm off.

read on > August 2002