D I A R Y
- May 2002 -

:: 31May02 11:15 :: Geez, never get time for anything these days. Woooohooooo @ long bank holiday week-end tho!!! :) :) :) :) And woooohooooo @ MJJ too :) :) :) :) Hope the weather will be ok, then I might even start my pre-London diet. Shall I get myself new inline skates? I thought, since I won't be going to NYC after all... ok let's wait until I've DEFINITELY chosen not to go to NYC. *hehe* Ok, must have breakfast now. Oh oh, before I leave, my plans for the bank holiday week-end:

  • MAJOR SexGod overhaul
  • get my inbox down from 45 to 20 mails :)
  • do website for Alain
  • try to be diety
  • oh and meet Sarah & her mum on Tue
BTW, remember how I said I had to get away somewhere on this week-end? When it came down to it, I was too stingy to do it. Plus I have sth next week-end, the week-end after (LOOOONDOOOOON) and as far as I remember there was talk of going to London AGAIN the next week-end... so yeah :)

:: 29May02 22:15 :: I wore my (fake) NOSE ring (not ear, sorry) to work today (and gothic attire) and no one said a word. Now I wonder if they were scared of me ("she might shoot us"?) or if they're so used to me wearing strange stuff that they don't notice? Today was Jubilee day apparently. Whatever. My digicam has a big dent and I have no idea how it got there. Sara's right, Vega should update her diary. And I am tired. Should promote my site. Can't be bothered.
      Karin aka Starbud is my perfect friend match on Hypermatch. That's quite freaky cuz there are like THOUSANDS of people registered. She is totally cool and I can see why she would be a good match for me. But there might have been someone else I hadn't heard about? *lol* Not that it matters much cuz we is friends regardless. But I think it's cool all the same :D Me is gonna meet me Starbud in London too :)
      And me BML. Me can't wait to meet me BML again. Me just gonna keep her and take her home with me. It's gonna be such an awesome week-end, I wish time would just get stuck right then and there and all of us would be stuck there together forever. But I suspect I am making MJ fans sound better than they are. Many are crap. Many are cool, very cool, but it's just people, there are morons too. Can't we just get rid of the morons? Everywhere? Kill, kill, kill.

:: 29May02 0:20 :: Here are some thoughts on some cool people I have met online and grown to like...
      First there's Sara aka Grudgegothhippi, she is the most fascinating person, and she seems to be so unhappy with herself and the way she thinks people perceive her. I haven't had that much contact with her, but I think she is reeeaaaaally cool and I love her to bits, in a very strange "big sisterly" way (and I could be her big sister, because I am getting older and older and the people around me are staying young *lol*). She has SO much talent and creativity and she has this really COOL and warped sense of humour which I love! You MUST check out her Misfit Dolls!! I am probably never gonna meet her, and that sorta makes me sad. The way the Net gives you a glimpse of other people's lives, but often you'll remain an outsider all the same.
      Yeah, and then there is Vega, she is SO talented, I totally envy her for her graphic skills (oooh just look at her site and marvel), and her photography skills too *envy envy, it's JUST not fair!!!*, and she's just such a wonderfully different person, so... so inspirational. I copy a lot from her these days :| *lol* And again, she is often depressed. A lot of my friends are in fact. How weird. I WILL meet Vega tho, hehehe, and I can't wait!!! :))) And I know she may be reading this, so *wave* :)
      Yeah. And if you feel I should have mentioned you here too, sorry, this doesn't mean you're not important or I am less amazed by you (whoever you are LOL) or anything. It's just that these two people have been on my mind.

:: 28May02 23:15 :: I burned a fucking hole into my new trousers, I'm such a cow! LOL You know, ironing on 3 instead of 1... interesting tho, it just melts! *rofl* Anyway, went to get a new pair, had to, they really look too nice. Adjusted the iron this time round. *g*
      I keep having viruses sent to my SexGod address. Woopee. *rolleyes* I have also noticed a sudden increase in visitors (about 150/day more) and I can't for the life of me figure out why that is. And because of the stupid domain redirection I have, counters can't trace where ppl come from. *sigh* BTW did I mention I have a high amount of visits from Saudi Arabia? Someone over there must REALLY like my site! *hehe*
      Sometimes I wonder if I should promote this site more. Some of me wants to, and some of me doesn't. The idea of having hundreds of strangers viewing my stuff kinda scares me. And what it Microsoft will sue me? LOL But then again why do I waste all this time on the look and feel if I only intend to show it to friends? Not that they're not worth it, but... Which reminds me, have to add that photo session.

:: 28May02 15:30 :: Doesn't look too good for my dad. Just rung my mum & it turns out he's in hospital again, intensive care too, he almost suffocated on Sunday & they had to call an ambulance. He's not going to die now or anything, but probably some time soon. Hypoglycemia, or this lung thing. Basically he has, can't remember what they're called in his lungs and they're decreasing the capacity of the lungs. Makes it harder and harder to breathe etc. He's had that for a while now. It can't be treated, they can only try to keep it stable. Apparently he's planning to stop smoking tho. He was on 1 1/2 packs a day! :(
      Sorta made me realise that it will hit me hard when he dies. I'm hella scared of losing him :( Oh fuck this.

:: 27May02 23:35 :: Phew, well most of today was pretty unproductive. Went for a walk tho cuz the weather was nice (T-shirt, whooopeee), took some pix to which I might put online tomorrow. You know, that's one thing I'd really like to be better at - photography. I LURVE it, and I am so totally average at it. *sob* My father was pretty good, why didn't I inherit THAT from him (what? practice you say? Well I'm trying!). Anyway, found very cool trousers for 7 pounds. I found them cheap at 15, only to find out they were even further reduced! Very satisfying that :)
      Did tidy up room, and sorta do my legs. I'd decided to reward myself with a narcissistic photo session, but it was quite late when I finally dragged myself away from the boards & messengers. Have done one all the same. Again, upload tomorrow. For now, a teaser on the Live page will do.
     Me tired and bed now. Had some nice chats tho. Had some deep things to say too, but honestly can't be bothered now. Night!

:: 27May02 0:35 :: Tired. Need bed. Check out my new section. Not much that is really new, but it makes more sense now. Done some paintings today tho. Tired. *yawn* Night!

:: 26May02 13:30 :: If my theory about mankind being governed mainly by our instincts is right, then a world governed by women should be more peaceful, right? Because men must fight over territory and display their power. Women must only appeal to men, and this should generally happen on a much smaller scale.
     Then again I assume the women that do desire and achieve to rule countries have dominant male characteristics, or excess male hormones. Look at Margaret Thatcher LOL.
     Weird thought this, I know. Banner done, had nice pizza and done the dishes (and yes I had the kitchen to myself! For a whole hour! Wow!

:: 26May02 10:30 :: Banner still. *lol* Yes, what an exciting life ey. But it looks freakin great so shut up y'all! Woke up at 8.40 this morning, after the BML had kept me on Yahoo till 1.30 last night LOL, feeling ok tho. Funny how you wake up easily when you have fun stuff to do.
     I'm FUCKING pissed off with the annoying people hanging around our kitchen (yes I'm talking about my flatmates LOL). Whenever I go in there, there's at least one of them sat there watching (MY!) telly (FUCK Formula One!!) or cooking something smelly and messy (and blocking the cooker, microwave AND oven) or doing some other annoying stuff. Is it NEVER possible to have some peace and quiet!?! I wanna do my washing up and I HATE doing that with people around. In fact I hate doing anything in the kitchen with people around. Want my own kitchen! :( Aaargh!!

:: 25May02 18:00 :: You know it's really funny what a difference a little colour can make. Like most other people, I used to have lots of different elaborate Windows backgrounds on my PC. But then it started anoying me that it slows down 'minimize all' & I just use background colours now. I change them every couple of weeks & the change always makes me happy. If you choose a nice colour it looks really cool! Makes a huge difference to the whole look of the desktop. Coolio :)

:: 25May02 17:40 :: Wow, spent more or less the whole day on the banner. Well, incl. a one hour trip into town to get more stuff. And some time chatting. S'raining. Me likes tho, banner. Haha. I took a big risk with my idea, coulda looked completely horrid, but it doesn't, I can't believe it myself ;)
     Listening to Lauryn's album again, you know the Sony one I wasn't supposed to buy :| *lol* She's very funny - obviously her spiritual messages don't quite reach me, but I like the feel of the album. Even tho I would've liked it if her vocal performance was better. She says that's not important, she has to be herself, but, hm, I like good voices, me. And if she just wants to become a preacher to share her experiences, she might as well read them out instead of singing them :P
     Gonna have to do some e-mailing now. Then back to the banner. :)

:: 25May02 9:40 :: Okay, the banner is online, so go & have a look - and don't copy! I shouldn't put it on here actually, everybody else is holding theirs a secret :| Anyway, I won't show the pro-MJ side then, hehe. That's the one that's more important to me anyway. Ooooh I hope I will come up with something half decent. *sigh*

:: 24May02 23:00 :: My love for Moby is over BTW. He dissed MJ and I hate those sort of prejudices. Apparently he was on German telly & said sth like 'charity events for 9/11 were good except when it was for obvious self-promo as in MJ's case, who did this right after the release of his album'. Well WTF?! Sorry 9/11 didn't happen 6 months earlier or later - hardly MJ's fault is it!? And I am sick of pppl saying he's selfish and only charitable for image purposes. He's in the freaking Guinness book of Records as the artist who has done most for charity! Look at Bono with his angelic attitudes, he's all over the media ALL the time for being so cool and PC and charitable - but hey, looks like MJ's the one who's actually doing MORE - OUT OF THE LIMELIGHT! Aaaargh! So shut the fuck up, Moby!!! Where were you after 9/11? Oh yes, whingeing about how awful all of this was! *lol* Wonder if I should post this on his boards :P Sucker. Hmph.

:: 24May02 22:30 :: God, can't believe it's so late already. I had a weird dream last night. A friend was dying (the friend was fictitious) and my parents were there & somehow we were holding her in our arms & then she 'woke up' again and started jerking & talking. I was holding her at the time and gave her to my dad cuz I found it scary... it was all quite eerie.
     And I was wondering if that dream had any meaning. Cuz my dad was in it and I don't think he's gonna live for that much longer. In fact when I woke up from it I almost called my mum to ask if she could check he was still alive. I wonder how I will take his death. It's been looming for such a long time & it wouldn't exactly come as a surprise... but probably still as a shock. :/
     Anyway. *ahem* Almost done with side 1 of the banner - it's SO much work! *sigh* Can't believe I'm wasting all my energy on the anti-Sony side - bet I won't have any left for the pro-MJ one. Anyway, will do that over the week-end and also Alain's site. And I've just remembered that I'd promised Anikó a mail for tonight. *eek* Damn those addictive MJ boards, damn!! (yes yes, gotta blame it on sth else! :|) Will put pic of banner on Live page when it's done. I'm hella scared I'll ruin it just before it's finished... by spilling something over it or ironing the wrong side or sth like that. *lol*
     Time I got a new PC btw, the letters on my keys are coming off big time. A is gone completely, N almost and S about half. Shift too. Can't wait for my new PC actually.

:: 23May02 23:30 :: Hooray, getting there. Started working on the banner, it's a bit, um, psychedelic, but ok so far. I'm proud to anounce I actually managed to have some patience and perseverence with the job. My constant fear of becoming like my father paralysing me here. Not saying it's gone, either. Being aware of the risk doesn't mean the risk is banned.
     Also been into town to get stuff. Memnoch the Devil it is, not Melmoth. Got Armand the Vampire too. Was it Kate aka annie r u ok who was an Anne Rice fan? Someone on the boards. N'mind. Got some new wine glasses too btw. And made myself a cool MJ screensaver for my mobile. My nameless mobile, incidentally. Suggestions welcome. I'd call it Akasha, but that sounds a bit stupid. A many thousand year old vampire queen reincarnated in a mobile? Ooooh I've just found a name!!! har har, it's perfect, esp. as it's a Siemens. :) Night!

:: 22May02 22:53 :: There, I've again managed to do something other than all the stuff I'm supposed to do. I.e. done a section with my animations. I've considered copying off Vega and doing an "Art Gallery" type of thing where I could link all of my art stuff, rather than having it under MoreSites, where it doesn't really belong.
     I have also started work on the banner, didn't get very far tho, I just get frustrated as soon as I can see work coming on :| Hooray for lethargy & apathy. LOL I've been to register my dissertation topic tho, how's that? Only 12 days late! *giggle* Must get my hands on the next Anne Rice novel now.

:: 22May02 12:10 :: You know, these days I often find that evolution fascinates me. If you look at how we live now, all the artefacts around us, created by human hand, solely for our own convenience or comfort... and if you look at art, and entertainment, and the importance of leisure, at least in the Western world... how far is that from the way all other creatures live on this Earth!
     I do not believe in God, I don't think the Earth was created solely for the likes of us to live on... and if we are, as I believe, just a whim of Nature or, say, a long string of coincidences... I think that's quite amazing. That the result of these coincidences was THIS and not something else.
     And what we have achieved is quite remarkable in a way, I mean, if you look at it on a big scale. Of course we've fucked up quite a lot too, but if you just look around you, cars, PCs, books, telephones, all these little things we see everyday, and you compare them to, say, the way an animal lives, it's rather amazing. Does that sound naive? Think about it. From one-cell-blobs to this.
     Makes you wonder where it will all end, but I don't wanna go there :| Maybe one of these days I will say something about religion too. :P

:: 21May02 18:40 :: Shite weather, and my car parked where it shouldn't be :| Nevermind, been shopping and now I'm going to treat myself to a chargrilled chicken pizza and a few glasses of white wine. Will worry about the car later.
     I need to make myself a To Do list, there is so much I need "to do". I suppose I could put it on here and keep it at the top until everything's done. So here goes:
 

  • make banner for demo
  • e-mail Anikó
  • e-mail other ppl in my inbox
  • update Sexy MJ
  • do website for Alain
  • expand the MJ section here
  • dust shelves
  • contact ppl for dissertation
[...] *sigh* Nice treat. My wine glass, my last and only wine glass gone (aargh, that's what I hate about living with so many people), the wine tastes of cork, and by the time I've sorted all of that, the pizza's cold. Pfft, decided to open a bottle of Chablis to make me feel better. That tastes gorgeous in a Coke glass too. *lol*

:: 21May02 12:10 :: I wonder how much longer Marxism in its current form will be around. It's been over 150 years since the Communist Manifesto, and still the Communist ideal is floating around... but not just as an ideal, but as a reality, as a true alternative, when it has proven again and again it is doomed to fail when implemented.
I just saw this poster on campus, 'Marxism 2002' with a picture of the IG Metall (Trade Union) strikers in Germany - nice and red, you see - and I thought, well what does this have to do with Marxism? So any upheaval of the proletariat is still considered as necessarily marxist? I suppose it is by Marxists, but I bet most of these people don't care much about communism. They're as capitalist as the rest of us.
     But obviously there is no true alternative right now, nothing that could unite these people. Well there's nationalism, xenophobia... I guess if the extreme left manages to at least maintain some of that, it's great. But maybe if there was a more convincing alternative on the left, the right would have less supporters? Maybe not tho. Scary times we live in. My mum was saying to me the other day (have I mentioned this before?) that she's glad she won't be living that much longer cuz the right wing tendency scares her.
     And I know (or believe) that the swing from left to right and back is the natural course of history... so I guess I was born in the wrong era. And doesn't it also mean I should be more active in defending my beliefs? (Clay will know what I'm talking about ;) Hm.

:: 20May02 22:00 :: Procrastinating sucks. I left going shopping until really late and now it's raining cats & dogs. Puke. Anyway, don't feel like shopping, I wanna go to bed and finish Pandora, it's such a cool book, I luuurve, completely luuuurve Anne Rice, she's amazing. :) Next up will be Melmoth the Devil, which actually comes before Pandora in the Vampire series, but nevermind :) Must find someone to go & see Queen of the Damned with. Tho now I'm kinda stuck on my own version of Akasha again & Aaliyah doesn't really match that.
     Wellington Arch BTW, the picture further down.

:: 19May02 14:45 :: Phew, well with all the mania about the Thriller Killer (Killer Thriller?) Party tickets and packing and cleaning and doing last shopping (got new mbl!) and ringing friends to say bye, I've had no time for an update. I was gonna write sth like "screeeeaaaaaam freeeeeaaaaaak" etc but I never got round to it, was too busy doing that via phone and SMS and MSN :P
     Aaaaaanyway, me has got a ticket for the party and so have all the people I really care for, everyone's happy and really excited (incl. Michael! He said so!!) and I can't wait for June 15th, or 14th even cuz that's when I'll be going down to London. Ages yet, it seems. But OMG, this is gonna be so fucking awesome, I can't wait!!! *screeeeaaaam*
     Yep, and now I will finish packing & head back to the UK - wooohooo, back with my LAN, but booohoooo, back with work too :( *sigh*

:: 18May02 0:20 :: GRUDGEWORLD IS BACK!!!! Well partly, but getting there. I LOVE the new look - so you better go & visit!! *muah-ha-ha* Must update my links now.

:: 17May02 23:30 :: Aargh I'm bloody annoyed. I made some pics of my room/bathroom etc for Michelle ages ago, and now I can't find them. I wonder if I just forgot to put them on CD, or if I lost a whole CD?! Anyway, instead, you'll have to suffer thru some other random pics I've found that I thought I'd share...

Left: my fiery fingernails in front of the MJNI board. I like the contrast.
Right: some branches of some trees. *lol*
Left: Part of Kenilworth castle, run thru PSP Virtual Painter plugin! Cool stuff, that!
Right: Wellington arch in London (increased saturation).
I'm listening to One Step Too Far by Faithless feat. Dido at the mo. The album version is a LOT better than that annoying remix! So: buy it! Unless it's Sony, not sure.
     Went for a long, exhausting walk with my Prince. Expect lots of whingeing about sore muscles tomorrow. I think I was supposed to meet someone tonight & totally forgot :| Shit happens.
     I also need to get a new mobile, mine really annoys me. I guess I'm gonna get myself a C45 tomorrow (Siemens). What do I need an S45 for? Exactly.

:: 17May02 9:30 :: Yikes, bloody Star Wars everywhere, really gets on my nerves. Anyway, today's a sunny day, guess I'll attempt to get a bit of a sunburn, errrr, a tan later. BTW, Vega has her 2nd layout online, it's fab, go & check. Now we only need to get Karin to do hers. *tapping fingers* ;)

:: 15May02 23:00 :: What a weird day. Yesterday too, but today even more so. At least today we had great weather so I could go to see my horsey. But online things are pretty tense... partly in a good way, everyone's hugely excited about the demo, and the media are picking up on it, and in a good way too. Plus more and more people are deciding to go (did I mention there will be an MJNI party too & Michael will attend? Why does that not surprise me LOL), so it can only get amazing. I am slightly scared tho that there'll be this huge build-up & all these expectations & then the whole thing will be one huge anti-climax. Or simply that something will prevent me from going. But that's totally stupid, I should stop being so pessimistic about things.
     Hmyeah and then we had these fights on the MJNI board with this one poster. I wonder how and why it all started, there must've been some misunderstandings at some point & we got off on the wrong foot - not him & me, but him and 90% of MJNI. And now he feels cornered & gets all aggressive & attacks people. I had a huge fight with him (I'm a tragic geek people LOL), which I found rather amusing, but other people did feel upset about it all. It really makes me wonder tho, about people online I mean. It's so easy to get wrong ideas about people. And it's even easier to stick to them and not make an effort to overcome them.
     But the whole attacks on my life & personality have made me realise that I really am quite proud of who I am. Not saying I'm 100% satisfied with myself, nobody is. But I won't take shit from anybody. I do what I think is right. I've achieved everything I've wanted to achieve so far, and I am very happy with the way my life is going now. People who know me very well know what to say to wind me up, but wannabe critics only make me shrug & frown. The fact that they feel the need to attack my lifestyle says more about them than about me. LOL

:: 15May02 2:00 :: I've just read Vega's diary entry on my diary entry on her diary entry and... and nothing really, but I just had to use this sentence. *rofl* I am glad I'm not the only one to feel like this tho :)
     I also read Michelle's diary and she's using EZboard smileys now... and I am not cuz it will screw up my linebreaks. I could make the line height bigger... hm, dunno.
     I'll say sth more about relationships after all. I was at a friend's tonight & we discussed them and she agreed that there'll always be these different ideas and expectations and conceptions between the sexes.
     Basically I believe you can tie it all down to the biological codes within us. You've prolly read it somewhere... the male must fertilize as many females as possible, must distribute his genetical code etc. The female must seek out the most promising male, and once she has found what she seeks, she breeds. So she's looking for a nest... while the male is always looking out for more. So if a man settles down with a woman, it's less out of choice than out of a social necessity... because the social codes in the Western world today tell you it's unacceptable to have more than one female at a time.
     And who are we kidding trying to pretend we're not animals? Just look at PMS - we can't fool our biochemistry! And hell yeah, this is just another way of rationalising what's going on & getting emotional distance. But so what? That's the way it is - why romanticise things? Makes me puke. *blurgh*

:: 14May02 16:20 :: I've made a big mistake. I came home for 9 days to do research for my dissertation... but I can't work when I don't feel under pressure. And right now I don't. So I've done sod all so far & I don't think I'll do anything before the end of the week. I guess I can afford to come down once more in July... and I guess I could even do it from the UK, by phone, e-mail etc... but it's gonna be so much more hassle. But I honestly can't help it! I find it impossible to even think about my dissertation now. Blar. I'm a lazy cow.
Ah well :)

:: 14May02 13:55 :: KingsGhost on KOP posted a link to this site Colorgenics, it's quite funky, you choose coloured cubes in the order you feel most in harmony with them and it gives you a sort of personality profile, based on your current situation. Most people went "OMG" and "eek" and "eerily accurate" and stuff. And posted them in their diaries ;) Mine is quite accurate in parts, but some of it is wrong I think. Interesting read tho - definitely more thought-provoking than some of the crap tests you find online.

:: 14May02 0:15 :: Low self-esteem, is that what it is? You know, underlying the fear of relationships? Self-consciousness. I suddenly got reminded of that while reading Vega's latest diary entry... I'd had thoughts like that before, too. But I think it's also laziness. I wouldn't want to make the effort to please someone enough that they'd want to be with me. And if I don't make an effort, I am just not that appealing. *lol*
     But the point is, as long as I am happy, it doesn't matter. I don't desire being in a relationship. I get my affection elsewhere, I prefer being independent, and sex doesn't tempt me, so being single is ideal for me. There's nothing that needs to be overcome as some people are trying to make me believe. That's like trying to make someone 'overcome' their love of spinach, because lots of people hate spinach. That doesn't make loving spinach wrong. Incidentally, yes I do love spinach. :)

:: 13May02 15:35 :: Oh God this is really weird. I just opened my site again to do an update and saw the pic of Left Eye (that I see everyday) and it totally struck me again that she is actually dead. I still can't seem to accept it. This is totally stupid, why do I get so upset about this? OK, I DID like TLC a lot, and Left Eye WAS my fave TLC member, but there is no reason why I should take it to heart like that. When I did the design for the home page a few days ago & went round picture galleries of her to find suitable pics, I cried almost the whole time. Why do I do this?
     I've been excessively emotional for a couple of years now... over things that don't really concern me directly... it can be positive or negative. Like, beautifully moving things will make me cry happy tears... and sad things will make me choke, when they never used to. I used to be really cynical about accidents & wars & catastrophies - it would almost give me some sort of satisaction whenever something dreadful happened - and the more casualties, the better.
     And then all of a sudden that all changed. I can't remember when and how and why, but now anything gets to me. The Middle East, the train crash at Potters Bar, Aaliyah's death, the Queen Mum, 9/11 obviously... or just sad songs. And beautiful stuff too... if someone says sth nice, when someone wins an award and is moved, when something happens that is significant for freedom, equality, whatever... I'll cry. Or when I hear beautiful music.. anything moves me to tears. It's stupid really. I mean it's nice, but stupid.

:: 13May02 0:05 :: There I've switched to 24hr format now but I can't be bothered to change it for the old entries too. I spent some hours on the phone to A. this afternoon, discussing relationships among other things. Gave me another opportunity to air my cynical and unromantic views on love.
     See it's like this: I don't fall in love, and if I become infatuated/obsessed with someone, it will be someone I can't have (dead, world famous, gay, or all of those combined). This keeps me from getting involved and ultimately from being disappointed, because I don't trust feelings and I don't want to depend on someone else emotionally. Not someone I can't control anyway.
     Now that is my auto-analysis, which I think is accurate enough... but I may be wrong?! Maybe there is something else underlying it all!? But if there is, what is it? And that is not to say I feel there is, not at all. I am quite content in my cautiousness, and I don't feel I lack anything AT ALL - and I really mean this! I don't have the urge to overcome my cautiousness in order to experience those oh-so-praised emotions, even tho everyone's trying to convince me otherwise!
     The funny thing is, they'll all go "oh so have you been screwed over before", and the answer is no I haven't. And basically I don't ever wanna be, but who knows, maybe I'll fall for someone some day? I doubt it, and I really don't mind either way. But it's weird the way society labels you - because after all you're supposed to get married & breed arntcha? SO being single is still sorta unaccepted. Especially where I come from :| But luckily I don't give a fuck about being unaccepted. The weirder the better. And hey if they bitch behind my back it's a compliment. There is nothing worse than not being talked about :)

:: 12May02 12.45pm :: I wonder if I should switch to 24hr format for the diary entries. Been here less than 2 days and already I've spent sth like 5 hours on the phone gossipping. Very satisfying. Let it be known that my arch enemies, who have exploited and betrayed me, are going down fast. And I can't say I feel pity. Mean, despicable person that I am. Heartless and callous. Yep, that's me. (no not really, but there are cases...)
     I finally have telly again - I mean, proper telly, in my room, with no annoying and impolite fuckers around when you wanna watch... isn't it scary how TV is something you watch for hours when you have nothing else to do, but you don't really miss it when you can't? It's so uncreative.
     My room is very dusty. And big and full of things. Actually I could take some pics for the site. Uni-room & home-room. Should show you my bathroom really, my bathroom rocks. With Keith Haring tiles. :)

:: 11May02 3.15pm :: Sometimes I fool myself even with this layout. I was just looking for the "Edit" button in the toolbar. *rofl* Silly me. Anyway, I'm in Luxxy now. Took me friggin' 9 hours to get home, cuz the plane in B'ham was 3 hours late - so the 3 hours I was supposed to spend shopping in Schiphol I spent waiting in B'ham (less shops!). And I only managed to catch my onwards flight because that was 90mins delayed, too. Spent 30mins online instead - very nice terminals they have there :) Obviously my suitcase didn't make it onto my flight, so I only got that this morning. Bah, whatever.
     You have NO idea how much I am looking forward to June 15th!! It's gonna be SUCH a blast! Everyone is gonna be there - well not everyone, but a lot of people I care about - and a lot of new ones I can't wait to get to know better! Oh God oh God oh God I can't wait!!! :) Let's hope the weather'll be good too.
     No flatrate here, so I might spend a little less time online... and a little more time doing creative stuff. I'll finally try to find a more sophisticated look for the Sex God Site (without overdoing it in the Graphics department, it has 10MB already!!), and possibly add some sections. Ears and Goldpants for instance. *muah-ha-ha* And possibly some polls. Oh yeah, and the Insanity Trophy might get some brothers and sisters (non-MJ-board ppl disregard). So yeah, lots to do. Other than that I'll obviously be visiting friends, my horsey, and doing dissertation research. :| *sigh*

:: 09May02 11.45pm :: I love "my" Internet, and I don't think I could live without it, but sometimes it all gets a bit too much for me to take. *sigh*
     BTW, might not update for a while now. Going home to Luxxy tomorrow - for 10 days. Much to do. Bah, I guess I'll be back soon enough. :P

:: 08May02 11.45pm :: I have an awful lot of respect for En Vogue. Have you ever tried saying, let alone singing "one little riddle, two little three little four little riddle, five little six little seven little riddle, eight little riddle" - repeatedly? Try it! *lol*

:: 08May02 11.00pm :: I wonder how many people read my diary. Esp. out of the ones I know... I know how many visitors I get, but who knows what they're up to. *lol* Looking for those notorious nude pics? :P Anyway, I've been sorta concerned with the obvious shift in my priorities recently, and I dunno what to do about it. I mean, I don't know if I should do anything about it or just not bother.
     You see, I used to be this manic e-mailer... and made and kept lots of friendships like that... and now I feel I am neglecting them big time. And I feel hella bad about that, but damnit, I just don't feel like spending 1/3 of my day writing e-mails these days. I much prefer posting utter nonsense on the MJ boards, chatting on messengers, following all the gossip on the boards ... and I mean it's not like I don't have good intentions. I mean to e-mail these people every single day, and I keep promising, and then something utterly important happens or whatever and I don't get round to it... so the question is, what do I do?

  • Do I keep trying to accomodate everyone, keep not being able to and keep having a bad conscience, as I am doing now?
  • Or do I quit doing what I feel like doing out of a sense of duty towards these people, so I can get back to e-mailing them? And eventually resent them for it?
  • Or do I tell them 'sod you, I'm a selfish cow, I don't have time for you anymore?
Or might I possibly find a balance? Even if the MJ boards didn't take up so much of my time, I wouldn't have the time I used to have for e-mailing. So something would have to change anyway. I mean is it such a big drama to move on and get some distance in a relationship? It happens a lot. But when you know the other person counts on you, you feel the guilt :| Ah sod.

:: 08May02 7.00pm :: Gee, I am a cynic. A happy one at times, but still a cynic. :|

:: 07May02 11.20pm :: Here's another happy update. I am constantly happy at the moment... and why shouldn't I write about it? I wonder if gloomy weblogs are more entertaining? I find them depressing, it drags me down when I read about someone being miserable. More so when I know them, but even if I don't... life is not about being unhappy. OK, so I'm a cynic, but I'm a happy cynic at the moment.... soooo I've decided to make a random list of reasons why I am happy... some of these only apply to me, but you might find one or the other you can apply to your life too? :)

      ::: Summer ::: the Internet ::: June 15th ::: music, all the wonderful music ::: laziness ::: Paris ::: creativity ::: Michael Jackson ::: books ::: good food ::: my friends my friends my friends ::: my site ::: green ::: living in England ::: my cool mum ::: chatting ::: my wonderful, beautiful horse ::: MJ fans ::: Diet Coke ::: colourful stuff ::: owning Hoju ::: my PC scanner digicam CD writer webcam drawing tablet and other tecchie stuff ;) ::: my new friends, old friends, online friends, offline friends, MJ friends, Falco friends, horse friends, UK friends, Luxxy friends, all-over-the-world-friends... ::: And mah baby too :)))))))

      And yeah, I am sure for each reason listed here I could also find a reason to be unhappy. But why should I waste my time on those? Being happy is so much more fun than being miserable :)

:: 07May02 16.57pm :: There are these new rumours online that Chandler (Jordy? Evan?) will come out and set the record straight about the allegations (if you don't know what I'm talking about, don't bother reading on *lol*). Apparently some radio stations have announced it. It is totally improbable, why should these people do that!? They live safely off MJ's money and they can get into legal trouble as well if they suddenly admitted it was all a fraud. The fans are getting all worked up over this.
     The funny thing is, MJ is innocent anyway, and if you find someone who's prepared to listen, you can convince them anyway (if you wanna be convinced, read this for instance). It just gets tiring - and most people are quite happy to keep living with their prejudices and their misconceptions. So I don't think this would change much. The media would keep it quiet (just like they did when it turned out Jordan's description of MJ's genitals was clearly inaccurate, and when the criminal case was dropped because of lack of evidence), so we'd still have to argue with sad uninformed bastards.
     Anyway. Must tidy room. *lol* My flatmate came in earlier and said "how can you live like this? I do wonder sometimes. It's my laziness tho. And at least I am not as bad as some other people I know. I don't think I'm a messie. My father sure has some form of messie-syndrome. I wonder if I should post the pictures of his appartment here sometime. Unfortunately the scans came out quite dark. Definitely worth seeing tho.
     Must also e-mail people. And deliver wedding present. And do dissertation research. *sigh*

:: 06May02 11.15pm :: Here I am again. Just been going thru some old diary entries by Moby again (for a change), and everytime I do, I just keep going "fuck that guy is cool", and "OMG he's so right", and "gee he's funny". He's got it all really. I don't dig the Vegan thing, but other than that, he's too good to be true. You should honestly all read his stuff. They do over at the Velvet Rope! He writes very very intelligent things, and he happens to be a successful artist, so some people listen to him. I think it's great that he writes it down for all the world to see. He does those of us who think like him a favour. *lol*
     Hm. When I first considered having a weblog sort of thing, I decided not to cuz I didn't get enough time next to all the e-mailing I was doing. And these days I find I don't have the time to e-mail my peeps because I keep posting crap on here. Maybe I should just include a link to my diary in any personal e-mail I write and leave it at that. Saves me writing everything 10 times anyway. *lol* And you don't get a nice rainbow background in my e-mails either!

:: 06May02 9.15pm :: God I'm enjoying what I do so much! Just had a nice chat with some great people from the MJNI Board, it was so much fun! I mean, when you really think about it, you're sat there on your ownsome chatting with people you have never met... but it's so cool! You may know that I've recently been wondering about all those fucked up people on the Internet, you know, people with serious psychological problems who live them out online, or just sad bastards who enjoy making others suffer.
     But then there are also all these really really wonderful people out there that you would never meet otherwise. Sometimes it scares me how close you can get to them, how much they become part of your life & they could just disappear any day and you would never find out what happened to them cuz you don't even know their full names. But if that kept you from making online friends in the first place, you would lose out a helluva lot.
     Hm, I should put captions on my diary entries, so people can see at a glance whether they might be interested. Or maybe I'll just bolden a few words here and there. Lemme do that now :) BTW I never really started e-mailing... this is far more interesting. Might also do another photo session later :D Such a shame my long w/e is over already. Work tomorrow, eek :|

:: 06May02 5.55pm :: Crikey, Moby drives me nuts! Forgot to check his updates for one day and now there's like 15 new entries or something! *lol* That man is so addicted to his weblog - how scary! Would never happen to me! :)
     I've registered at his board now, but I'll try not to start posting. Or not too often anyway. It's bad enough being addicted to MJ's boards. ;)

:: 06May02 4.15pm :: There, how did I do? It's all done now, plus I've updated SexGod and it's only 1/4 past 4! So I have hours and hours to e-mail now (nevermind the dissertation research). I woke up at 9.00, after something like 4.5hrs of sleep and I was immediately wide awake thinking "I could do this-and-that with the layout, and I wonder how such-and-such would look." *lol* As I said, I'm a right geek. :P
     I've been wondering what the use of weblog and diary sites is... I mean ok, I understand that non-web-designer people might want to use those, but why do people with great sites & design talent use logs? The only reason I could think of is that you can update them from any PC? I mean, it can't take much more longer to edit the HTML file and quickly launch your FTP program!? If anyone can explain, please drop me a line ;)
     Oh, and Katja pointed out an embarrassing mistake to me earlier, I'd written Lisa Lopes 1771-2002. *lol* Changed it now tho (no one else had noticed either).

:: 06May02 3.30am :: OK, I've done it. It's not completely done yet, but far enough to be 'publishable'. I am so tired now, but also quite pleased. Very pleased in fact, except for the main welcome page. Supercool picture of Left Eye, but I don't like the white and the heading. They will probably be changed. Well, I guess I will constantly be playing round with this layout. It's so cool cuz you can simply change one page when you feel like it, without touching the rest.
     Must update SexGod site cuz I got some yummy pics. Also want to redo the layout there, but God, I really need to e-mail my people too. I have something like 30 e-mails to reply to. *yawn* OK, see you tomorrow.

:: 05May02 4.30pm :: OMG I was just rolling on the floor laughing here. Someone on KOP started a thread asking "Are the Simpsons black or white?" (meaning of course, what race do they represent). I knew that answer was gonna come, but it was still so funny, AndrewMciver replied straight away with They are yellow u prat *lolol* I am still giggling. Just hilarious.
     Hopefully I'll finish the new site tonight, I'm almost done. Only 3 more pages to do. I'm sick and tired of listening to my CDs, but I can't be bothered to copy new mp3s on my Hard Drive to listen to. *sigh* Ah well.

:: 5May02 9.50am :: You know I'm a right geek! Sun shining outside, and here I am playing around at the computer for hours & hours on end - hardly getting any sleep, not even finding the time to cook sth... it's so much fun tho *hehe* Even tho I'm a bit stuck with my "about me" design now. I'll find something :)

:: 05May02 0.10am :: Summary of my afternoon: MJ boards, redesign, MJ boards, redesign, MJ boards, redesign, MJ boards, redesign, MJ boards, redesign, MJ boards, redesign, MJ boards, redesign.... I think I ate something at some point. I'm slowly getting there. And I still like it! :) Windows reinstall in the morning, went sorta smoothly, except I abs. can't get IE6 to work on this machine, it fucks up everything. So I'm back with 5.5 - I like that better anyway. Which reminds me, I have to do the security updates still.
     Tomorrow's second round in France - presidential elections you know. I am really quite curious how much Le Pen will get. He's such a disgusting person. I mean, being a fascist is bad enough, but he's also totally repulsive. Anything he says makes me feel sick. I don't mean his political agenda only, I mean any sentence he utters makes me go "ugh, die! die!" Anyway, quite a fucked up situation, that whole thing. :/

:: 04May02 0.45am :: Bah, great, my PC just crashed again. Yep, tomorrow is reinstallation day - which is why I'm off to bed NOW (early uh?). The framework of my new design is done now - only need to fit in the contents :) Will actually change that round quite a bit too. So far everyone who's seen the beta version liked it. :)
     Today was a good day. We've learnt that Michael will be in London in June & that's when the MJNI demo will be taking place. It will be huge hopefully - and lots of people I like will be there :) Can't wait, SO excited!!!
     People-wise today was really cool too. Some people have said nice things to me and that made me feel very happy & proud :) I love my friends - gee, I keep saying that. And it's nice to be liked. :) And there are so many cool people running around online :) And I can't stop smiling :) Michael Jackson fans rule! Not all I must add, but most do :) OK, will stop now. Warble warble, I wonder who reads this? I'll try to write more interesting things once I have the new look ;) BTW, Moby's diary is highly addictive. Can I marry him? *g* OK night.

:: 03May02 2.00am :: Our Birmingham MJ support campaign was a great success, and great fun, go here to read about it. *lol* Other than that, nothin hugely important, tho I'd have lots of random things to say. But there is no time for random things for I need to get some sleep.
     Oh oh, may I just mention I had 351 visitors yesterday (the first day my site was on Yahoo ALL day, not just from 10am or sth). YAY! :D

:: 02May02 1.30pm :: I love Michael Jackson. I mean, I don't just say it. I feel it, strongly, physically. When you see something like this (this is one of those messages he throws out of hotel windows to his fans), how can you not love him? It's so heart-wrenching. Yeah go on, say it, what a saddo, how can he be so strange, writing such a message to near-strangers. What a weird and freaked-out life, bla-bla-bla. Well do what he's done, live his life, with all the SHIT he's gone thru, the hurt, the injustice, the allegations, the prejudices, the loneliness. And yet he's such a beautiful person.
     And all you "when will she get over it" cynics (you know who you are), fuck off and go to hell. I mean it. Who are you to judge me for who I love & admire. If I reacted the same deprecative way about your convictions & obsessions, how would you feel? So just shut the fuck up and show some respect. You can stuff your stupid jokes up your ass. And if you feel offended now, too bad. You weren't forced to read it - but you force me to listen to your crap.
     Hm, crap mood now, uh? Off to bed.

:: 01May02 11.30pm :: Hello reader :) How are you today? Geez I'm caring! Guess what I've been doing today? Yes that's right, working on my new design. I would really like to tell you how much I love it and how chuffed I am that it's looking almost exactly as cool as I'd hoped (and these things never do), but that's tactically quite a bad move I guess, cuz after all the hype you'll be expecting God-knows-what and you might well find my sweet little idea dull and unimaginative. Then again, what do I care, as long as I love it :)
     I've also made a banner for tomorrow, where some of us will be meeting up in Birmingham for some MJ promotion. It's not only the most ugly banner I've ever made, but even the most ugly banner I have ever seen! It's so horrid I might just leave it at home. People will be laughing their butts off if they see it! *lol* I have yet to make the flyers, don't even know what to put on them yet.
     Oh yeah, and Yahoo report: I've had 253 visitors today, compared to an average so far of 72/day :D That's kinda cool no? I mean that's terrific! *yippie* I love Yahoo :) I hope lots of people will have seen my "Support Invincible" notice. Oughta use a graphic to draw more attention to it. Might just make one now. There will be less visitors again after the site loses its "New" label (after a week I think). Must make the most of that week.

:: 01May02 10.30am :: It's there it's there! In Yahoo I mean, look: Music > Artists > By Genre > Rock and Pop > Jackson, Michael!!! With a nice little "new" icon next to it! God I still can't believe it. "provides picture galleries of all of his body parts." - I mean, does that sound like something that deserves to be on Yahoo? *lolol* Ah they must have a fan there who likes drooling over him too :) I feel so cool now. And I'll be off to uni now to finish my essay. I've already spent 2hrs on the Clarissaweb revamp - I'll never learn! ;)

:: 01May02 2.30am :: *phew* Right, it's almost over. Done all the writing, just need to re-read, restructure and format. Will do that tomorrow morning and then I'll never look at it again. Yippie. I've started work on the new design too (couldn't wait ey), looking good so far - much like I had intended :)
     And OMG OMG OMG I got an e-mail from Yahoo, they're going to add the Sex God Site to their directory. I mean, that's a BIG deal, I remember when my Falco site was added the visitors more than doubled - and that was some obscure artist no one talks about anymore. It's totally unjustified that they added me - but then again the other sites they have aren't exactly the best MJ sites around.
     Anyway, may need to do some serious work on Sex God now - and maybe give it a cooler look, too? Might try to promote it some more, and add META tags for search engines, too. Tho I really wonder why I am putting all this energy in a new site again. Didn't I just give one away because I had no time? Ah no, I really gave it away because I didn't give a shit about the artist anymore :)

read on > April 2002