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D I A R Y
- April 2002 -

:: 30Apr02 4.30pm :: Oh for Fuck's sake, I'm almost done with my essay but I just can't gather up the energy to finish it. Only need to do the Introduction and Conclusion now, but all I can think about is "redesign redesign redesign" *lol* And since I know I can't start working on that until I'm done (or I'll be at it all night!), I post on the boards instead. Very clever. *sigh*
     I do have quite a funky idea for a redesign tho, and it won't be Goth after all. I wonder if it's been done before... I bet it has. But I haven't come across it yet, so there :) Will be fun doing, too. BTW, Hoju has plugged me & Michelle in her diary. Isn't that cute of her? :P OK, gone. Won't be back until that essay is done!!!!


:: 28Apr02 9:10pm :: Aaaaargh I hate the NHS!!!! They are NOT paying for my dental costs cuz my income is too high!???! They have got to be kidding me!!!!!!!! *puke* Guess I should have kept quiet about the money I am getting from my parents. Aaargh this sucks big time!! Well there's no way I'm gonna get any more treatment in THIS country then!!!! At least in Lux. I get some of it back! *hmph* Sod.

:: 28Apr02 8:35pm :: Back. *yawn* God I'm supposed to be doing some more work on my essay now but I'm not sure if I can face it. Had the most horrific hangover this morning altho I didn't drink that much, made sure not to mix and had lots of water afterwards. Haven't seen much of Cardiff obviously but I'll visit again soon. It's less than 2hrs after all. Oh, the party was good BTW, lots of funky people, and it was soooo good seeing my friend again after such a long time. I'll put a pic online on the Live page :)
     OK, essay here I come. I don't have that much time anymore now... and once I'm done I absolutely need to do a Windows reinstall. *sigh*


:: 27Apr02 1:45pm :: I have some 3500 words, and I am off to Cardiff now. I was gon' cancel, but my friend wouldn't let me. *lol* Ah well. Real world, here I come ;)


:: 26Apr02 9:45pm :: I think if I could ever meet one dead person it would have to be Mozart. What a genius. When I listen to his music I feel so close to him, it's so surreal listening to what he has composed and knowing that this is HIM, everything I am listening to is created by HIM, it was in HIS mind, HE created it. And you can just immerge in it, let it surround you, and shut everything else out. All that remains is music, music everywhere. That is so amazing.
     Imagine a world without melody, rythm, music. Without such pure, flawless beauty. The world is full of hate, resentment, misunderstandings, evil, stupidity and ignorance. But there is a counterpart. There is pure beauty. Beauty knows no morality. Truth is beauty, beauty truth? I'm sorry, but I don't think so.
     If there is a God (which I highly doubt), he doesn't see the good or bad. He couldn't. It's man-made, and the standards used to judge it are, too. But he may well see the beauty. Because beauty transcends all. I think. But then again I don't know. Beauty is subjective after all. Maybe in 5000 years some creature will puke over what we today perceive as beautiful. Who knows. Hm, what a nice end to an originally positive post. Today was a shitty day.

:: 26Apr02 11:32am ::
Lisa Lopes from TLC died in a car crash yesterday :( How FUCKING unfair is life?!?! She was such a sweetie :( We'll all miss her :( Damn this sucks :( And my essay ain't coming along either. At least the sun's still shining. *sigh* On a Left-Eye-less world. How weird. The world is really quite a small place when you come to think of it. "Honduras" is not that far away compared to "not there at all." Gone. Short life. Eventful, but short life. She was 30. :( You won't be forgotten, babe.

:: 26Apr02 1:54am :: *sigh* I feel crap. I have done virtually no work on my essay for the past 2 days. Well, 100 words or sth. Might well have to cancel Cardiff :( Anyway, 6mins left until my download's done, just enough for a quick list of random thoughrs...

  • I FREAKIN LOVE MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON!!!! He's fuckin amazing and if anyone has a problem with that, they can kiss my ass!!!
  • I really dislike dentists! I mean, I'm sure they're nice people, but I hate them as, you know, dentists! :(
  • I love the NHS because it will pay my dentist treatments! Hooray! At least I don't have to spend my hard-earned money for being tortured! :/
  • It really annoys me when people go "your friend will be in my prayers" - do they really pray?? And do they REALLY remember such-and-such in their prayers that night? I really can't deal with that. Don't ask me why. It sickens me. Makes me think "hellooooo people, he's not there!!! No one cares!!! It's not gonna change a THING about such-and-such's fate!!! *sigh* Harsh I know.
  • Goth it shall be. You know what I'm talking about (right?) *lol*
  • I love Michael Jackson. And I would like to thank him. Again and again and again and again and again and again. "Thanks!" "Thanks!" "Thanks!" "Thanks!" "Thanks!" and so on :)
OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD! This can't be true! Aaaargh!!! After spending 2 hours downloading a 200MB file, I lose it because I don't have enough disk space?!??!?! AAAARGH!!!! Hmph!


:: 24Apr02 12:00pm :: The Michael Jackson against Sony support campaign has officially started (short intro for non-fans, that *lol*)... I wonder what it will do and if it won't end in ridicule. I'd really like to see that us fans are still a force to be reckoned with... you know, that outsiders will go "DAMN, that guy still does have a lot of very devoted fans!!" That would be very cool, and would make me very proud. Anxiously awaiting how the NYC demo thing will go... I really should be there you know! Hmph.
     I wonder how much the insiders and the rumours and lies and half-truths have harmed the unity of the fans tho. Fans divide over these petty arguments because one supports one "insider", someone else supports another, a third refuses to believe anything (I would be that third here *lol*)... And because you can never know who to trust, the truth can never be known. And true action never taken. So even now where the 3 biggest MJ fan organisations have united in this campaign, there are still doubters, i.e. the impact may not be that big because a lot of fans have just lost all trust and turned their backs.
     I have chosen to join the campaign now because I believe these people are the ones I can trust the most - it's the best I'm gonna get. But I don't regret not doing much earlier and it doesn't change my attitude towards those "insiders" who retrospectively may have been right. I refuse to believe rumours and speculations. I understand that these people need or want to protect their identity, but that means I will not be able to trust them.
     The Internet is a weird place. And all non-fans who may been mad enough to read thru this have probably fallen asleep by now. *lol*


:: 23Apr02 8:00am :: You know what? I should be in NYC right now! *hmph* But then again non-US-citizens can't get tickets for that Apollo thing anyway, right? Which is not exactly fair if you ask me - hmph! *lol* Still, would be nice to be there... lots of Europeans went, right? For that support thing and all... ah well, can't have it all. Hmph.

:: 23Apr02 6:00pm :: Hm, I have a bank holiday week-end to fill... if only I knew what to do with it. It's a 5-day one too (31st May - 5th June), there is no way I can just let that go to waste. I have a few friends I really wanna see again... now the main question is of course, do they wanna see ME too? And on that week-end, too? And there is also Paris. I MUST go to Paris, and since my mum has cancelled on me (THANKS for that - but I shoulda known ey), that would be the best week-end to go now... BUT the generous friend who may be able to put me up is on holiday now so I can't ask her if she'll be available that w/e. And plane tickets are selling fast :(
     The other options are (let's be vague here) Scotland, UK South Coast, Germany1 or Germany2 (could be combined). Damn, or Denmark! Any of these subject to the people being willing to have me of course. *lol* Aaargh somebody help me! *lol* (I do have issues uh? ;)

:: 23Apr02 6:20pm :: Muah-ha-ha, I've just had a sadistic thought. You may know I am (still) managing the Mozart mailinglist & I just went there to have a look at what's going on... and since it's a Yahoo Group now & I'm always logged into Yahoo anyway, I get my full moderator rights as soon as I view the page... so there's all these "delete/edit/remove" links, and I was just thinking, I could just click on a few buttons, delete a few posts or ban a few people, and they would be sat there going "UH?" It's quite cool. I mean yeah, the group is rather modest, with some 235 subscribers and sth like 3 posts a day. But HEY, I can wipe it all out with one (or two) clicks of the mouse! *muah-ha-ha*
     Hey I've just been invited to Cardiff for the week-end by a laaaawng time friend, how cool is that? OK I really must finish my essay now. I mean, not NOW, but... you know what I mean. Byeee! *lol*


:: 22Apr02 :: I am in the UK. Err, I meant to say, Moby is in the UK - he is neeaar! Hey, haven't been in London for a while! *lol* No I'm not really going. Might have done if it wasn't for that darn essay. Oh yes, the essay, erm, got sth like 350 words *lol* - pretty lame uh? My target was 1000 - but hey, the day is not over yet (21:09 now)!! Honest tho, I do plan to do some more work on it. And remember: Moby rocks!
     BTW I've found out why I like Jane Doe by Alicia Keys so much - cuz it was co-written by Kandi! You know that woman doesn't get 1/4 of the recognition she deserves!! She is an incredible song writer (TLC's No Scrubs; Bills, Bills, Bills and Jumpin' Jumpin for Destiny's Child...), AND singer (Hey Kandi is an amazing album!!!), and she's a hottie too! Most record stores in Europe don't even have the album! Ts, losers.
     I can't wait to start work on my new layout BTW! Getting really excited! Oh and I've read MJNI, Angel & Planet Jackson have teamed up now and joined the Sony boycott. So do we finally have proper facts instead of rumours? I'd love to find out, but... MJboards abstinence ;) And I am going thru with this! Not like I would return my Digicam with a "Support MJ" note to the store anyway! *lol*
     Right, back to my essay... buy Kandi's album, ya hear me? (aargh no don't, it's Sony! *lolol*)
     PS much later... 1015 words!! HA!!!!!


:: 21Apr02 ::           HOW MJ CHANGED MY LIFE
     My EZboards abstinence has got me thinking about my online life & how it's REALLY all thanks to MJ... See, when I 1st came online in '96, it was mainly bc I wanted to meet other fans... I did, mostly thru MJIFC, and then I also met non-fans and made some of my best friends on this darn Internet - tho many of those aren't fans. Not saying I wouldn't have 'found' the Net without MJ, I probably would.
     And then I found out I had to see MJ in NYC in Sept 2001 (I hadn't been active in the MJ fan scene for ages and my only remaining MJ fan was Chris), so I booked the whole trip on my own (very unlike me, I don't like having to meet new ppl) - but I met the coolest people, made LOTS of great friends that are now a crucial part of my life... aaand found my way back into the online MJ fan-scene, which now dominates most of what I do. *lol*
     OK, so I've just decided I need to get some distance, but I have gained SO much thru it all, and it has an influence on SO many aspects of my life... it's just amazing. Hey and even my job is thanks to MJ, cuz I don't think I'd have bothered had I not been so overdrawn after Sept! *lol* Yeah, so big hugs to all my MJ people, I love you all... oh and MJ, I love you most ;)


:: 20Apr02 :: First off, I've been on KOP (don't kill me Karin!!!) - ONLY to check the pics of MJ arriving at the American Bandstand tho! And I did NOT check any of the other threads tho I found some of them veeeery tempting ;)
     Secondly, I've been to Oxford today with Ian and had a GREAT time. (see I'm only writing this cuz I know he'll be reading it at some point ;) j/k) Honest tho, it was so cool and he's such a great guy. Mucho fun - and sooooo patient with a crazy girl and her shopping urges ;) Oh oh, and I must say that I am DARN proud of my li'l car, it was in top shape today and raced along like some - rocket ;) I love it.
     Oh, and some praise for Lauryn Hill's To Zion - an INCREDIBLE song!! It's about her son, and basically takes a position I can't relate to AT ALL - beauty of motherhood, child gift if God, use your heart, not your head... but it's SOOO darn beautiful that it still moves me to tears after 4 years. I love her ok? :)


:: 19Apr02 :: T'was decided... I will keep my butt of the MJ EZboards until my essay is done - that should encourage me to hurry up with that, too. It's due in on the 3rd of May, in exactly 2 weeks... but I might be able to finish it earlier, who knows.
So yeah, I will keep off the boards... but I won't stop going online altogether - I just couldn't. *hehe* Plus I do need the Net for research and so on! :) I'll keep you informed about the success of it all... :)

...23:46... I've been abstinent for more than 6 hours now (wahey), and it feels ok so far. *lol* It's gotta be said that I was in bed most of the afternoon cuz I was feeling kinda shitty. Only come back online now. I've actually watched telly for the first time in AGES - v. entertaining. Anyway, tomorrow will be spent in Oxford meeting a friend, then on Sunday I guess I'll finally get off my arse and do something on my essay.
     I've also been thinking about a revamp of the site... as soon as I finish my essay I'd say. Have to work on someone else's site first, but could do this at the same time... or sth. I might also change the concept a little. Right now I'm not really being ME on here. I mean I am, but I am being kinda selective. Esp. in this rambling area. So yeah, I might change that - but I might not. Ultimately it just means more work... I will definitely redesign the site tho. Just cuz I can, and cuz I have some ideas. It will either be Hippie OR Goth. Depending on how I feel at the time. I could also do both... nice & dark side of me and all that. *evil* We'll see ey? ;)


:: 18Apr02 :: Right, from now on I'll just be generally rambling, without trying to keep it to a certain topic. Might even update it more often then and turn it into a proper diary :) Been to the dentist today, wanna have a look at my crown? Yes you do: click here (next to a tooth with a filling. I love my digicam). I'm getting old. Grey hair... crowns.. how long to go until I retire? Oh I haven't even properly started working yet? Good point. *lol* It is still kinda scary tho, that whole growing up business.
     Other than that, I can only moan, sigh & whinge about not getting any work done for my essay. What a lazy cow I am, geez. SOB. Oh, and I will now officially try to limit my time on the MJ messageboards. Need to contact Starbud for advice. *g* There are so many other things to be done. I could e-mail all the people that have been waiting for e-mails, I could post something on Tobias' MB like I promised Katja, I could read lots of interesting books & go jogging & stuff. AND do work for my essay. *lol* Yeah, so I'll try that. Will keep you updated of course :)


:: 08Apr02 :: Time for a ramble again I thought, tho I don't really have anything to say. Well I've had a few things on my mind recently, but I don't really have anything hugely clever to say on any of them... so lemme just share a few random thoughts with ya.
    The Middle East just makes me so sad - as does any war and any hatred among people. Why on Earth can't we just all get along? I know that sounds really naive and simplistic, but I don't know what else to say. But in the end it all boils down to that doesn't it. Humankind is belligerent, dominative, primitive, and cruel. And weak. Not everyone, but many. World Peace? An illusion! Well IMHO anyway.
    Online Friendships I have been led to think about these recently due to several events - some I was involved in, some I wasn't. I have always valued what they give me, the depth, the intimacy, the concentration on what matters (i.e. talking, talking, talking). My online friendships have been the most intense, and they also changed my real life friendships because I became more open. But there are downsides. I think a lot of misunderstandings can ensue - and they are so much harder to get out of the way than in real life. They linger. They are not resolved and new misunderstandings are piled on top. And because online friendships often start in public areas, the problems are often dragged into those areas, where they do not belong.
Some more random thoughts:
    • Right Now by Van Halen is one of the, possibly the most AMAZING music video ever made. I mean, it's fucking genius. The song is great, but the video is incredible.
    • Moby Moby Moby. The guy's the coolest.
    • Isn't spring a nice time? I love it when the days get longer, warmer, sunnier...
    • Easter is over. No more Cadbury Dream Eggs :(

read on > March 2002