LOSS

Johann Friedrich Händel – Sarabande from Harpsichord Suite in D Minor.

We played this at my dad’s funeral and I’ve just had to listen to it again to remind myself of that time, what it was like to just have lost him. He’s been dead over eight years now and I’ve just realised that not having him in my life has become more familiar than having him. Which has made me sad all over again.

I don’t want this to be normality. I still want him back. This is a different sadness than the acute stabbing pain of the first years. I know this life now, and I know I can cope without him, I have done it for long enough. But that other life, the one before, all those memories… as they become more remote, they also seem to make me sadder. He’s moving further and further away from me and I try to grab him, to hold on, but there’s nothing I can do. It’s just the way things go in this goddamned life. And it’s still not fair.